Recently, someone told me about a family business that had reached a breaking point. Three sisters had worked in the business for years, each taking responsibility for different areas of the company.
Over time, one sister’s area began losing money. Whenever there was a problem, the family stepped in to help. They provided additional money, covered unexpected expenses, and trusted that things would eventually turn around.
But they didn’t.
The sister who handled the family company’s finances began noticing things that didn’t add up. As she dug deeper, she discovered that the problems were much bigger than anyone realized. Decisions had been made without enough oversight, money had continued going out, and the family had little understanding of how serious things had become.
She was furious. She confronted her sister, demanding answers and insisting that things had to change.
Her sister became defensive. She was frightened, embarrassed, and even more determined to maintain control.
It would have been easy to look at the situation and conclude that one sister was the problem. But as I listened, I found myself wondering something else: What if the problem isn’t the person?
[The circumstances and identifying details in this story have been changed to protect the people involved].
When Helping Becomes Part of the Pattern
Certainly, decisions had been made that needed to be addressed. Money had been lost, trust had been damaged, and accountability mattered.
But one person hadn’t created this situation all by herself. Money had been requested and given. Questions hadn’t been asked, oversight hadn’t been set up, and concerns had been explained away or minimized.
Over time, the sisters had unintentionally created a cultural system that made it possible for that pattern to develop. One sister’s behavior had gone increasingly sideways and the system around her had adapted to it.
That doesn’t make what happened everyone’s fault, either. It exposed their cultural system, and became everyone’s opportunity. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with her?” the sisters could ask, “What has been happening in our company that allowed this to develop, and what can we change together?”
That is a harder question. It is also a much more hopeful one because it points to the opportunity for each decisionmaker involved to choose this approach: “I may not be able to change another person, but I can change how I participate in the system.”
Compassion Includes Accountability
One of the sisters happened to know something about recovery. She had spent years practicing principles like acceptance, surrender, accountability, and community. By recovery, I mean the principles practiced in 12-step programs that help people accept what they cannot control, take responsibility for what is theirs, and find strength in community.
It occurred to me that this situation wasn’t asking her to learn something entirely new. It was asking her to bring what recovery had already taught her into a new situation.
- Acceptance: What is actually happening? What have I minimized or hoped would resolve itself?
- Surrender: What am I trying to control that I cannot control? What happens if I stop trying to make another person see things my way?
- Accountability: How have my own words, actions, silence, protection, or loyalty helped this pattern continue?
- Community: Who else is affected? Whose experience needs to be heard? And who might help us see what we cannot see on our own?
None of these questions excuse harmful behavior. Quite the opposite. Compassion includes accountability.
From Fixing to Feeling With
When someone is frightened and defensive, our instinct may be to reason harder, explain more, produce evidence, or make them understand. We stay in our heads trying to figure out how to get through to them.
Cultural intelligence invites a different starting point: You can get out of your head and move toward the other person with your heart – feel with them. Compassion allows you to see the person within the context of what they are experiencing. Accountability allows you to tell the truth about the impact of their choices and your own. You can do both without turning any human being into the problem.
In a conversation with them, instead of beginning with “Here’s what you did wrong,” you could begin with curiosity: “What has been the toughest part of this for you?” “What do you wish I understood?” “What am I not seeing?”
Those questions don’t surrender accountability. They help you surrender the illusion that you could or should control the other person. Something important happens when you do that. You begin moving from me versus you toward us facing the problem.
Imagine the difference between hearing, “You created this mess. Here’s what you need to do,” and hearing, “I’m in your corner. We have a serious problem that needs to be faced honestly. I want to understand what this has been like for you, and I want us to find a way to fix what has happened without making anybody the problem.”
The second approach doesn’t guarantee the other person will respond the way you hope – they still have agency, as do you – but it is hugely more likely to lead to outcomes satisfactory to everybody involved.
There Is a Third Way
This is where cultural intelligence and recovery share important common ground. Both invite us to see reality more fully, examine our own participation, and release the illusion that we can control another human being.
You don’t have to choose between compassion and accountability. You don’t have to choose between protecting the relationship and addressing the harm. And you don’t have to decide whether they are to blame or you are.
There is a Third Way: Feel with the person and face the problem together.
That is where a culturally intelligent process creates the possibility of a win-win. Each person has agency, each person’s perspective and experience matters, and each person has an opportunity to take responsibility for what belongs to them.
You can love someone without rescuing them. You can hold someone accountable without shaming them. You can be in someone’s corner without carrying what is theirs to carry.
And when the people involved stop trying to fix one another and begin changing the cultural system they are creating together, something new becomes possible. The goal is no longer to determine who wins or who loses (which can waste a lot of time!). It is to create conditions where people and the system can become healthier together.
A Guide to Seeing and Changing the Pattern
The next time you find yourself wondering, “What is wrong with this person?” consider asking a different question: “What might be happening around us that I’m not yet seeing?”
You may not be able to change another person. But you can become more aware of the system you are creating together and more intentional about how you participate in it.
Ready to look at a people problem differently?
Download your two-page Guide to Seeing and Changing the Pattern.