Most workplace tension doesn’t start with conflict. It starts with good intentions landing wrong. I saw this clearly after a recent keynote, when a participant sent me an email that stopped me in my tracks.
The writer, Simone, told me about a dinner she just had with her neighbor’s family. Because she was close in age to the neighbor’s 80-year-old Japanese father, she was genuinely excited to connect. So she did what many of us do when we’re trying to build rapport. She asked him some get-to-know-you questions:
- When did you come to this country?
- What has it been like for you here?
- What differences do you notice between our cultures?
He wasn’t forthcoming though. She felt deflated. Then judgment crept in: “Maybe he’s just grumpy. Maybe he’s one of those stoic John Wayne types. Maybe he’s a bit misogynistic.”
Later, the daughter texted to apologize for her dad being “grumpy.” Simone responded by apologizing for peppering him with questions.
And then came the response that matters most: “Based on your teaching, I realized he may have experienced my questions as intrusive because of our different cultures.”
Because when connection didn’t happen, she examined her assumptions (biases) instead of defending them.
Bias #1: Curiosity always feels respectful
Many leaders carry this invisible rule: If I’m curious and asking thoughtful questions, others will feel respected. Sometimes, that’s true. However, curiosity without attunement can feel like:
- Scrutiny
- Pressure
- Interrogation
Especially in cultures where:
- Personal history is private
- Elders don’t communicate casually with strangers
- Social status shapes conversation
What felt like interest to her may have felt like intrusion to him.
Simone could have stayed in her judgment. Instead, she chose awareness. That self-awareness and its impact on others is cultural intelligence in action — and it’s what separates reactive leaders from effective ones.
In the workplace, this same bias shows up when leaders say:
- “I was just trying to understand why you handled it that way.”
- “I was just asking questions.”
- “I don’t know why they don’t speak up.”
Meanwhile, the employee is thinking: “I’m being evaluated, not heard.”
Good intent. The impact – eroded trust.
Bias #2: If someone doesn’t engage, it’s their personality
Notice what happened next. When her neighbor’s father didn’t respond, she didn’t immediately think “culture.” She thought:
- Grumpy
- Stoic
- Maybe misogynistic
That’s another common leadership bias: personalizing (and blaming) what is actually contextual. When a team member is quiet in meetings, we call them disengaged. When someone doesn’t self-promote, we assume lack of drive. When a person doesn’t make eye contact, we read disinterest or insecurity.
But often it’s not personality; its cultural norms shaped by gender, generation, nationality, race, or socio-economic background.
However, the leadership win isn’t avoiding assumptions — it’s catching them. As Simone did. That’s the moment real communication begins.
When leaders mislabel difference as character flaw, trust erodes — and turnover follows.
The move that changed everything
Here’s the part that matters most: Simone didn’t double down. Instead she said, “Next time, rather than leading with questions, I’ll do what you taught us:
- Pause and consider my impact.
- Share something short about myself first to show my humanity. Something like, “I haven’t traveled outside my country and would like to learn about your culture.”
- Then ask permission: “May I ask you a question about your experience?”
That is not small. That’s a leadership pivot. That shift does three powerful things:
- It slows the pace.
- It signals respect for boundaries.
- It turns curiosity into an invitation rather than a demand.
Why this matters for leaders
Most workplace tension doesn’t start with bad people. It starts with unexamined assumptions. Leaders try to give feedback, show interest, coach, and build rapport. But when your approach and their cultural conditioning don’t match, the impact is withdrawal, silence, judgment, and eventually exit.
Then we say, “We just can’t find good people.”
The truth is, sometimes good people leave because connection felt like correction, curiosity felt like pressure, and leadership felt like scrutiny.
The leaders who reverse turnover aren’t the ones who never misstep. They’re the ones who, like Simone, are willing to pause, re-examine, and try again.
The leadership upgrade
Culturally intelligent leadership doesn’t mean asking fewer questions. It means asking in ways that help people feel:
- Seen, not studied
- Respected, not probed
- Invited, not cornered
That dinner conversation wasn’t a failure. It was practice. By reflecting instead of retreating, Simone modeled the mindset that builds trust, retention, and cohesive teams.
Because the goal isn’t just to talk more. It’s to connect in ways others can receive.
That moment — catching your thinking before it hardens into judgment — is where real leadership lives. And you can practice this. If you want to lead this way more consistently, executive coaching is a powerful place to do that work.
Dr. Amy Narishkin is an executive coach who helps hard-driving leaders build cultural intelligence to strengthen trust, retention, and performance. Connect with her on LinkedIn or learn more at www.EmpoweringPartners.com
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash