Empowering Partners
How the Best Leaders Build Trust, Not Tension

How the Best Leaders Build Trust, Not Tension

by | Jan 31, 2026 |

Most workplace tension doesn’t start with conflict. It starts with good intentions landing wrong. I saw this clearly after a recent keynote, when a participant sent me an email that stopped me in my tracks.

The writer, Simone, told me about a dinner she just had with her neighbor’s family. Because she was close in age to the neighbor’s 80-year-old Japanese father, she was genuinely excited to connect. So she did what many of us do when we’re trying to build rapport. She asked him some get-to-know-you questions:

  • When did you come to this country?
  • What has it been like for you here?
  • What differences do you notice between our cultures?

He wasn’t forthcoming though. She felt deflated. Then judgment crept in: “Maybe he’s just grumpy. Maybe he’s one of those stoic John Wayne types. Maybe he’s a bit misogynistic.”

Later, the daughter texted to apologize for her dad being “grumpy.” Simone responded by apologizing for peppering him with questions.

And then came the response that matters most: “Based on your teaching, I realized he may have experienced my questions as intrusive because of our different cultures.”

Because when connection didn’t happen, she examined her assumptions (biases) instead of defending them.

Bias #1: Curiosity always feels respectful

Many leaders carry this invisible rule: If I’m curious and asking thoughtful questions, others will feel respected. Sometimes, that’s true. However, curiosity without attunement can feel like:

  • Scrutiny
  • Pressure
  • Interrogation

Especially in cultures where:

  • Personal history is private
  • Elders don’t communicate casually with strangers
  • Social status shapes conversation

What felt like interest to her may have felt like intrusion to him.

Simone could have stayed in her judgment. Instead, she chose awareness. That self-awareness and its impact on others is cultural intelligence in action — and it’s what separates reactive leaders from effective ones.

In the workplace, this same bias shows up when leaders say:

  • “I was just trying to understand why you handled it that way.”
  • “I was just asking questions.”
  • “I don’t know why they don’t speak up.”

Meanwhile, the employee is thinking: “I’m being evaluated, not heard.”

Good intent. The impact – eroded trust.

Bias #2: If someone doesn’t engage, it’s their personality

Notice what happened next. When her neighbor’s father didn’t respond, she didn’t immediately think “culture.” She thought:

  • Grumpy
  • Stoic
  • Maybe misogynistic

That’s another common leadership bias: personalizing (and blaming) what is actually contextual. When a team member is quiet in meetings, we call them disengaged. When someone doesn’t self-promote, we assume lack of drive. When a person doesn’t make eye contact, we read disinterest or insecurity.

But often it’s not personality; its cultural norms shaped by gender, generation, nationality, race, or socio-economic background.

However, the leadership win isn’t avoiding assumptions — it’s catching them. As Simone did. That’s the moment real communication begins.

When leaders mislabel difference as character flaw, trust erodes — and turnover follows.

The move that changed everything

Here’s the part that matters most: Simone didn’t double down. Instead she said, “Next time, rather than leading with questions, I’ll do what you taught us:

  • Pause and consider my impact.
  • Share something short about myself first to show my humanity. Something like, “I haven’t traveled outside my country and would like to learn about your culture.”
  • Then ask permission: “May I ask you a question about your experience?”

That is not small. That’s a leadership pivot. That shift does three powerful things:

  • It slows the pace.
  • It signals respect for boundaries.
  • It turns curiosity into an invitation rather than a demand.

Why this matters for leaders

Most workplace tension doesn’t start with bad people. It starts with unexamined assumptions. Leaders try to give feedback, show interest, coach, and build rapport. But when your approach and their cultural conditioning don’t match, the impact is withdrawal, silence, judgment, and eventually exit.

Then we say, “We just can’t find good people.”

The truth is, sometimes good people leave because connection felt like correction, curiosity felt like pressure, and leadership felt like scrutiny.

The leaders who reverse turnover aren’t the ones who never misstep. They’re the ones who, like Simone, are willing to pause, re-examine, and try again.

The leadership upgrade

Culturally intelligent leadership doesn’t mean asking fewer questions. It means asking in ways that help people feel:

  • Seen, not studied
  • Respected, not probed
  • Invited, not cornered

That dinner conversation wasn’t a failure. It was practice. By reflecting instead of retreating, Simone modeled the mindset that builds trust, retention, and cohesive teams.

Because the goal isn’t just to talk more. It’s to connect in ways others can receive.

That moment — catching your thinking before it hardens into judgment — is where real leadership lives. And you can practice this. If you want to lead this way more consistently, executive coaching is a powerful place to do that work.

Dr. Amy Narishkin is an executive coach who helps hard-driving leaders build cultural intelligence to strengthen trust, retention, and performance. Connect with her on LinkedIn or learn more at www.EmpoweringPartners.com

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Push Less. Influence More

Push Less. Influence More

by | Nov 29, 2025 |

“I’m a pusher,” Douglas, a senior organizational consultant, repeated during his executive-coaching session.

I asked, “You’ve said that several times — how are you ‘a pusher’?”

Douglas leaned in. “When I’m coaching people, I like to see progress.”

“I get that. You want to help.”

“I do,” he said.

“How does pushing work out for you?” I asked.

He sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I’m pushing too hard; maybe they’re not ready to take the step.”

“I can see how that could happen. But here’s the thing — it’s not just your personal tendency to push; it’s our cultural default. Especially in the West, we have a problem-solution orientation. Add to that the constant urgency people feel in our culture. When we see something that looks broken, we jump to fix it – sometimes even before we’ve gotten the story!”

I paused, letting the weight of that land.

“That orientation can make us feel helpful. But it also carries real risks. It leaves us on the hook for a solution that may not work or hasn’t been thought through in terms of its impact on everybody involved. Poor communication is one of the leading contributors to hospital patient safety incidents. In fact, a 2025 meta‑analysis of 46 studies covering over 67,000 patients found that miscommunication contributed to about 25% of patient safety events, with miscommunication alone causing roughly 1 in 10 incidents. That’s not just a soft skill problem – it’s a measurable risk to outcomes, costs, and trust.

I said, “Like you, I’m inclined to push. It’s my cultural default too. So, I had to use my cultural intelligence – understanding a person’s context and compassion for them within it – to recognize that cultural reflex and counter it with more collaborative action. By any chance, has anyone told you what you could be doing instead of pushing a solution?”

Douglas said, “Yes, a mentor of mine suggested that I ask questions like, ‘What are you feeling?’ or ‘What happened?’”

I nodded. “Respectful questions like that are powerful. Did your mentor happen to mention why you might ask questions like that?”

Douglas said, “I hadn’t thought about it until now. Why?”

“When you get more of the story, you don’t just collect data – you learn their context, spark appreciation and build connection. Your mind opens. Your heart softens. Then you can see complexities and constraints you didn’t know existed. When people feel heard and valued, they’re often ready to listen back. That’s where shared understanding is born – and from that place, solutions emerge that tend to work for everyone involved. That’s when I notice any cultural tendency to ‘push’ naturally fall off.”

He hesitated. “That makes sense. But doesn’t that take time?”

I said, “Getting more of the story and creating that connection does take more time, on the front end. But it’s ultimately a time saver. When you jump to the fix, it’s usually based on incomplete information and can inadvertently alienate the person you’re trying to help. Then you have to double back and fix the fix, as well as repair the relationship. Miscommunication like that contributes to about 25% of hospital patient safety incidents, so slowing down and listening can literally prevent errors, save time and save lives.”

Douglas said, “It’s harder at first but then it’s easier. I like that. I also appreciate that the process builds genuine connection and creates meaningful solution(s) for everybody involved.”

I said, “You nailed it; it’s a win for all parties.

Douglas said, “Thanks so much for all you do and the connections you make, Dr. Amy. I truly treasure it more than you can know.”

Conclusion

When we pause long enough to understand a person’s context and respond with cultural intelligence, we shift from pushing solutions to creating space for shared ones. That small shift — from urgency to courage — strengthens trust, improves outcomes, and saves time in the long run. The practical takeaway is: listen first, learn the story, and let the next step emerge together. That’s how influence grows. – Amy Narishkin, PhD

If you’re a leader who wants to strengthen your influence, reduce friction, and elevate how people experience you, I’d love to support you. My executive coaching helps leaders use cultural intelligence to communicate with clarity, earn trust, and guide teams toward meaningful, sustainable results.

Reach out — I’d be honored to work with you.

Pause Power: Transforming Opposition into Opportunity

Pause Power: Transforming Opposition into Opportunity

by | Oct 31, 2025 |

I had just finished speaking to 200 Human Resource leaders when I noticed him—a man lingering at the back of the ballroom, watching. As attendees lined up to chat with me, he kept his distance. While I packed my materials, the room gradually emptied until only he remained, hovering near the exit door like he had something to say.

When our eyes met, I smiled. “Did you want to speak with me?”

He stepped forward with purpose. “You know,” he said, his voice firm, “You and I are polar opposites.”

That statement landed like a challenge. In that moment, I felt a flash of annoyance—I’d just received such positive feedback from everyone else. But, instead of reacting, I deliberately set my backpack down.

That simple action—putting down my bag—gave me the three seconds I needed to practice the cultural intelligence I teach. I took a breath. I observed my reaction. In nanoseconds, I wondered what had upset him. I chose curiosity.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, genuinely interested now. “How so?”

His shoulders tensed as he replied, “I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m proud of my white history.”

I nodded, “I get that. I am too.”

Confusion flashed across his face. He clearly hadn’t expected that response. “Then why,” he challenged, “did you tell your daughter she should be ashamed of being white?”

“I did? Was that the impression I left?” I asked. Now I was genuinely curious about what he’d heard in my presentation.

He said, “That’s what I got out of your story.”

I nodded, acknowledging his perspective. “I can see why you’d be upset.”

He nodded back—a tiny bridge of understanding forming between us. That’s when I realized he might be ready for more context.

So, I asked, “May I provide some more background for that story?”

“Sure,” he said, his stance softening slightly.

I explained, “Because my daughter Abby, a news correspondent, travels globally, she’s often the only white person in the room. She has learned that, after years of being belittled under the system, people of color may hesitate to speak up for fear of retaliation, misrepresentation, social isolation or job loss, even when asked to speak up. She has found it most effective to slow down, acknowledge her uniqueness upfront and ask if she can ask a question. So, she’ll say, “Because I’m white, I may not see what it’s like for other people. Would you mind sharing your perspective so that I can get a more complete story and share it with others who don’t know?” Easing into a conversation and acknowledging her difference helps people feel safer faster and trust her with their story.”

“Ok,” he said slowly, “that makes more sense.”

Then I asked, “May I ask what prompted you to think she might be ashamed of her whiteness?”

That’s when the real story emerged.

He said, “I’m the Director of HR for a locally owned mid-size corporation. We’re all white. We’re almost all men.” Then his voice lowered slightly. “What I see on TV is so different now. It’s almost always mixed-race couples.”

“I get it; it’s definitely different from the way we grew up,” I acknowledged. “It’s also tough when you don’t see yourself represented in the media. I can imagine it was hard for people of color for all those years too.”

Then came the moment that everything changed.

“I don’t want my son to feel ashamed of being white,” he admitted, his voice softening. “I want him to be proud of who he is.”

There it was—not anger, but parental concern. Behind his challenge was a father trying to navigate raising a child in changing times. I felt for him.

“As he should be,” I said warmly. “I have a son too, and I want him to be proud of who he is as well.”

Relief crossed his face. “Oh, then you get it.”

I said, “I do. He’s an aerospace engineer at Boeing. He has his job at Boeing because of an executive there, an African American woman who is a member of our church helped him get an interview. If my son hadn’t learned to respect women, connect with a people of color and be confident as an engineer, he wouldn’t have the job he has.

“Honestly, I think that’s part of our job as parents – to teach our kids to appreciate their own and others’ uniqueness. That’s why I shared with the audience today the acronym S.T.O.P – so HR leaders like you can uncover employees’ unique story to create more connection and commitment.

S.T.O.P. means:

  • S – Slow down
  • T – Take 3 deep breaths
  • O – Observe your reaction and theirs
  • P – Proceed with curiosity and wonder

He nodded, a genuine smile appearing for the first time. “Thanks for that perspective. I guess you and I aren’t so different after all.”

What I realized in that empty ballroom is that the pause between trigger and response is where true leadership lives. That three-second moment when I put down my bag wasn’t just a delay—it was a deliberate choice to create space for understanding rather than reaction. The pause transformed what could have been a confrontation into a connection, opposition into opportunity.

Why ‘pause power’ matters to the C-Suite

For executives and leaders, the ability to pause isn’t just cultural intelligence—it’s a competitive advantage for their companies that directly impacts the bottom line. Research shows when employees feel heard and respected, engagement rises by 74% while turnover drops by 40% (Workforce Institute 2021). Conversely, when employees feel dismissed, organizations lose approximately $7,500 per employee annually in lost productivity and preventable turnover (SHRM 2024).

When leaders model that kind of cultural intelligence, they not only defuse tension but also build trust, belonging, and retention across their teams. In today’s polarized world, a leader’s ability to pause may be the smallest act with the highest return on investment.

Dr. Amy Narishkin is a cultural intelligence strategist who helps leaders turn tension into trust and challenges into opportunities. She partners with executives to boost engagement, retention, and inclusive leadership. Discover how a simple pause can transform your team — connect with Dr. Amy today.

 Photo by Will Porada on Unsplash

Trust and Use Feedback Without Losing Yourself

Trust and Use Feedback Without Losing Yourself

by | Sep 30, 2025 |

“Can I ask your advice?” asked Tatum, in our coaching session.

Tatum is one of her organization’s top project managers. She brings her projects in on time and under budget. But she has been struggling to trust her boss and felt unsure about what to do with the feedback she’d received.

I said, “Sure you can.”

Tatum said, “How do I respond to feedback I’ve gotten?”

“I know it has been hard with your boss. So it’s tough to know what to do with her feedback,” I replied.

“That’s just it,” Tatum said. “This feedback didn’t come from my boss. It came from another colleague, a mentor of mine in the organization. He has had more than two decades of experience in project management and genuinely cares for people.”

I said, “Based on your current relationship with your boss, I can understand you feel suspicious. It may be hard, but don’t carry that suspicion over to other relationships – especially him. The compassion he regularly expresses for you and your context is telling.”

Tatum said, “How so?”

“When a person works to understand more about you and your situation before they pass judgment, that’s cultural intelligence in action,” I said, feeling real respect for him. “Because they care enough to get more of the story, you can trust that their feedback is genuine and trustworthy.”

Tatum said, “That makes a lot of sense. That leads me to my second question. He told me he has noticed that when I’m tired in a meeting, I start talking fast, stop listening and smile a lot. He says the meeting is no longer productive at that point, and I should just end it. This is why he suggested during the last meeting that we ‘take a break and reconvene tomorrow.’”

I said, “Now that you know you can trust it, how did that feedback land on you?”

“It’s interesting,” Tatum said. “I never noticed before that I shut down in meetings. But he’s right. And you’re right, because it came from him and his big heart, I could actually hear his constructive criticism.”

She added, “But I don’t know how to stop talking too fast and past people.”

I said, “You don’t stop. You’re behaving that way to take care of you.”

That gave Tatum pause. Then she said, “That’s interesting. But how do I care for me and still follow his suggestion? I don’t want to ignore his advice.”

I said, “Don’t ignore it. Let it teach you. With this new self-awareness of how you’re impacting others, you can set up meetings that take care of you and them.”

Tatum said, “How do I do that?”

“What’s an optimal meeting length for you?” I asked her. “Cultural intelligence is compassion for a person—including you—within their unique context. How long can you handle meeting with people before you start to zone out?”

“I can handle about 45 minutes,” she said.

I said, “Great that you know. So schedule meetings for 45 minutes. Make sure you send out a quick agenda ahead of time so no one is surprised by the timing and can be prepared to get right on task.”

Tatum replied, “I’d like to but people around here are accustomed to 60-minute meetings, though.”

“I know,” I said. “But you can sell meeting-downsizing with your cultural intelligence. Tell your mentor you’re honoring his wisdom and cutting meetings back so everyone, including you, is more productive. Tell your direct reports that everyone could use an extra 15 minutes in their day, so you’re making that happen. You can show how everybody wins.”

Tatum said, “I like how we all win with this approach.

I said, “That’s how you know you’re using your cultural intelligence—you take into account your needs and theirs to create a win-win.

Tatum said, “I appreciate your advice. Thanks!”

Takeaway for leaders

Feedback is especially critical in complex high-stakes environments like healthcare. Yet studies show that 65% of employees say they want more feedback. But only 29% say the feedback they receive is actually helpful (Gallup, 2019). In healthcare specifically, studies link effective feedback and communication to improved patient outcomes and higher staff retention. (BMJ Quality & Safety, 2022)

Teaching employees how to discern and respond to feedback with cultural intelligence isn’t a “soft skill”, rather it’s a strategic investment. It strengthens individuals, teams, and the entire organization. And in healthcare, it leads to better patient outcomes, stronger retention, and more resilient teams. -Amy Narishkin, PhD

If you found Tatum’s story helpful, I’d love to hear from you!
👇 What’s one piece of feedback that changed the way you work or lead?
Share your experience in the comments — let’s learn from each other’s journeys.

And if you want to dive deeper into mastering feedback and building cultural intelligence in your team or organization, connect with me here or send me a message. Let’s create more win-win conversations together!

Photo by Ronda Dorsey on Unsplash

Disarming Quiet Aggression

Disarming Quiet Aggression

by | Aug 18, 2025 |

The other day Caitlin, a colleague of mine, asked me, “What do you do when a person persistently tries to convert you to their perspective?”

“What’s going on?” I asked her.

Caitlin said, “Every time a branch of my family is around, they’re wearing their MAGA gear. They’re not loud about their opinions, but they’re definitely obvious.”

“That’s tough,” I said. “No matter the political persuasion, it’s tough when someone tries to convince you of something you don’t agree with. It can make you feel invisible.”

Caitlin said, “It really can – it did, in fact. It’s not violent, but it is aggressive.”

I responded, “It is aggressive. Violence and aggression can be loud and fast or, like in this case, quiet and slow. And that slow drip can do real damage — to families, to teams, and to organizations. In fact, Harvard Business Review found that 48% of employees reduce their effort after experiencing incivility, and 38% intentionally decrease the quality of their work. What happens in families shows up at work too.”

Caitlin said, “That’s what’s happening. What can I do or say?”

I said, “You’re right to wonder how to respond. If you remain silent, that indicates agreement and minimizes your own feelings. That hurts a soul. But if you retaliate or react, you’ll potentially lose the relationship, which it sounds like you don’t want.”

Caitlin said, “That’s true. Is there another way?”

I said, “There is a third way to respond. With cultural intelligence – compassion for a person within their unique context – you can create a situation where you both feel valued and heard. Creating a win-win is a nonviolent, non-aggressive way that can include de-escalation and even assertive communication. It helps people build working relationships. One practical tool is using the phrase:

👉 “I feel ____ when you ____ because ____. I’d appreciate if ____.”

“You might say: ‘I feel hurt when you wear MAGA clothes around me because it feels like you’re sending me the message that my opinion doesn’t matter. I’d appreciate if you’d wear nonpolitical clothes when we get together.’ Then drop into silence and see how they respond.

“This approach is not about trying to change a person’s behavior – you can’t control that – but about naming the impact of their actions on you. So often people are so wrapped up in their own world that they don’t realize how their behavior affects other people.”

The business case is clear: Gallup reports disengaged employees cost U.S. companies $1.9 trillion annually. In healthcare especially, disengagement leads to burnout, higher turnover, and compromised patient care. Leaders with higher cultural intelligence are shown to be 3.5x more effective at collaboration across differences.

Caitlin had one more question, “What if they mean to be aggressive?”

“You’ll know if they mean to be aggressive based on how they respond. They’ll either dismiss your feelings or be surprised – or maybe even curious and wanting to learn more. (Or they may dismiss your concern in the moment and circle back with curiosity later.) No matter how they respond, you can know that you’re practicing cultural intelligence because you…

  1. Do not participate in any attempt to inadvertently or intentionally diminish or minimize you or them.
  2. Open up the possibility of civil conversation and more genuine connection.
  3. Help to create a more compassionate world.”

“So let me check my impact,” I said to Caitlin. “How does this approach land on you?”

Caitlin summed it up well. “I like how the culturally intelligent response names my pain and invites my family members to think about the impact of their actions on me. It’s a gentle and respectful approach for all of us. I can’t control how they’ll respond, but at the very least I’ll no longer stay silent, which helps me feel more empowered and less like a victim.”

That’s the third way — one that resists silence, avoids retaliation, and instead builds connection. For healthcare leaders, practicing it isn’t just good for relationships. It’s a strategy for engagement, retention, and safe patient care.

Leader Takeaway: When you respond with cultural intelligence instead of silence or retaliation, you not only protect relationships — you also strengthen engagement, retention, and patient care. – Amy Narishkin, PhD

👉 If you’d like support applying these strategies in your leadership, I offer executive coaching for conscientious healthcare leaders who want to build cultures of trust and collaboration. Let’s connect.

Photo credit: luca romano on Unsplash

Handle a New Situation

Handle a New Situation

by | May 31, 2025 |

I’d not been in a shelter for people facing homelessness before. This was a new situation for me and I definitely felt some anxiety. We’ve all been there, feeling unsure of what to do or say in a new cultural context. Whether it’s a shelter, business, campus or country, we all need tools to navigate conversations with people from all walks of life.

How I got to the shelter

Shortly after the tornado ravaged miles of north St. Louis City and County, a friend our ours, Pastor Marco van Raalton, emailed us a number of links to organizations where we could sign up and volunteer to help. Had it not been for his email, it may not have occurred to us to join the relief effort.

My husband, Cyril, and I signed up to help at a shelter run by Friendly Temple church on the north side of St. Louis City. Because of the tornado, the American Red Cross designated the shelter as one of its headquarters in the city, so donations were pouring in.

All those donations of food, clothes and supplies had to be received, organized and distributed. Cyril had volunteered the day before and was assigned to kitchen duty. While organizing and serving in the kitchen, he told me that any anxiety he’d felt in being new to relief work dissolved once he got down to work.

I heard his words but felt unsure as we headed downtown to volunteer the next day. I realized this was an opportunity to practice my cultural intelligence – compassion for people in their unique context. Since compassion starts within and radiates out, I employed one of the most vital tools in my new book, “The Communication Connection”: S.T.O.P.

S.T.O.P. is an acronym for…

  • Slow down,
  • Take three deep breaths (or however many you need to feel some calm),
  • Observe your reaction and assumption and the reaction of the other person, then, if you’re safe,
  • Proceed with curiosity and wonder.

As we were driving, I’d already started slowing down. So, I took a few long, deep breaths. I noticed a particular preconception that I’d inadvertently internalized: the stigma around people who are homeless. By noticing it and naming it, I could feel my fears easing a bit, my mind quieting down and my heart beginning to open up. I realized that, as is almost always the case, the anticipation was likely worse than reality and, as Cyril suggested, I got prepared to get down to work.

At the shelter

The shift leader, Miss Ruby, tasked Cyril with kitchen duty again. She assigned me to the room next door: toiletries. It was piled high with everything from toothpaste to diapers of all sizes and from bodywash to feminine products of all shapes. I spent hours that day unpacking shipping boxes, grouping and stacking goods and creating go-bags as people stopped in for supplies. Meanwhile, other volunteers kept bringing more and more boxes of donated supplies. The work was very physical.

It was also very mental and emotional. I had no idea how vital it would be to apply S.T.O.P. all day long. As I kept my body moving, I was intentional about observing my reactions and any assumptions that occurred which could keep me from connecting with a person. With my assumptions in check, there would be room in my head and heart for curiosity and wonder.

As I filled a reusable shopping bag for one gentleman, he was picky about the brand of soap and toothpaste. I thought to myself, “The nerve. Do people really have a right to be picky?” As soon as I caught that assumption, I realized that of course he has preferences and tastes. So do I. Allowing him to pick out his brand of choice was one small way to see his humanity. It was also a way to connect with him because, the moment he rejected the Irish Spring soap, he told me how his two daughters wouldn’t like the smell. I told him it’s too strong for me too. Then he told me how their home didn’t have either water or electricity, and they were making do with buckets and bottles of water.

Within a nanosecond of reining in that first assumption, my heart softened and we had a deeper, more genuine connection.

It’s with genuine connections like that that people feel safe to open up and reveal their needs. As I was filling a bag for one young woman, I knew now to check what toothpaste brand she wanted. She then asked if I had any floss. As I held up the floss to put in her bag, she nodded and then told me anything to keep her mouth clean was super important on the streets. When I revealed a big bottle of Listerine we had, her face lit up.

Another gentleman lit up when I revealed a box of socks I’d just discovered. He told me he hadn’t had a pair of socks in months. He asked if he could have two pairs, one to wear and the other to wash and dry. I gave him four pairs.

Miss Ruby was swamped managing volunteers and incoming donations. Within 15 minutes three new volunteers had come up even to me and asked how they could help. I looked to Miss Ruby for direction. Walking out of the hall, pointing at me she said, “She’ll tell you what to do. She’s the boss on this hall.”

I knew exactly what was needed. I’d seen the room next door piled almost to the ceiling with bags of clothes. I told the young men there that the bags needed to be gone through and the clothes sorted by size into the marked boxes along the wall in the hall. They got right to it.

As I thought about how quickly I’d been made a “boss,” I began observing how, from one moment to the next, I needed to be prepared to shift from knower to learner, back and forth as the situation demanded. Practicing S.T.O.P. – observing (and withholding) my assumptions and proceeding with curiosity and wonder – allowed me to make that shift fluidly back and forth throughout the day.

A few hours into my task, I knew the toiletries room well. I was fast becoming the knower in that domain and wondered how I was going to be able to “let go” after all that I’d invested. About then, Cyril walked in telling me he needed a break from pull-top cans and asked if he could help sort the diapers. Though I hesitated because, after all, it was “my” room, I agreed because there was another task I wanted to do. Bags and boxes of toys were piling up outside my room, and they needed a home. The toys weren’t going to be claimed by new owners if no one could see them.

I shifted to learner and found Miss Ruby. I asked permission to claim a corner of the lobby to lay out the toys. She and I walked the floor, found a good corner and cleared it of bags.

As I was on my knees unwrapping and displaying the stuffed animals, games and books, I became the learner again. Kids staying in the shelter gathered around to decide which animal would be theirs. I sat down on the ground, gave them eye contact and listened to the stories they had to tell me.

Once I got all the toys and books displayed, it occurred to me that some of the puzzle and coloring books and crayons could be used in the sleeping quarters. The Red Cross volunteers there might appreciate having something to offer adults and kids to do together by their cots. As I handed over the books and crayons, the volunteers in the room told me they’d been looking for something to offer the guests and appreciated my thoughtfulness. For a moment I was the knower.

Back in the toiletries room

When I got back to the toiletries room, the diapers were all lined up by size and there was a new lady in there working. Cyril told her that I was the one who had organized the room earlier in the day. She stopped working, gave me kudos and then asked permission to organize the incontinence briefs by size. In just one moment, she had ever so gracefully acknowledged all my effort and eased herself into taking over my job. Her natural ability to S.T.O.P. allowed me to “let go” of any possessiveness I felt over the room and freed me up to go play a board game with kids staying in the shelter.

Cyril was right

The anxiety did dissolve once I got down to work. But it wasn’t just the work that made the difference. It was getting to know the people. Creating genuine human connection is what erased any residual fears. Whether it’s a shelter, business, campus or country, you know a new-to-you cultural context can be intimidating. But with a big heart, growth mindset and a tool like S.T.O.P., you and your team don’t have to avoid challenging situations that can ultimately benefit you, them and the organization.

From a business standpoint, a welcoming environment that people want to be part of translates into significant savings, especially since the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Considering that turnover leads to loss of valuable experience and increased costs in training, attracting and keeping talent remains one of the top three priorities for CEOs in 2025. That’s why I work with organizations and their leaders to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain talent from all walks of life.

Please feel free to share this article. Want more tools? Click here.

Friendly Temple – Seeking Volunteers to staff their shelter. Men too are needed during the evening, shifts from 9 pm – 6 am. Sign up here. Serve at: 6356 Martin Luther King Drive, St. Louis, 63133. 

They Weren’t Listening

They Weren’t Listening

by | Apr 30, 2025 |

“They weren’t listening to me,” said Calvin. Engineering lead Calvin was tasked with resolving a recurring problem at a remote site. He said, “The technicians kept asking me the same questions over and over again. I wouldn’t have needed to spend a whole week on site if they’d just heard me.”

I said, “That’s frustrating.”

Calvin said, “It was! I don’t think there’s anything I could have done differently.”

I said, “Maybe not. But are you bringing this up because you want to be helped or because you want to be heard by me now?”

Calvin said, “Helped… but I can’t change them.”

I said, “You’re right; you can’t change them. But you can change your approach.

Calvin said, “What can I do?”

I said, “You could do what I just did — ask them if they want to be helped or heard. It’s a way to get buy-in. When they answer the question saying they’re interested in being helped, they’re committing to engaging with you.

Calvin said, “Interesting. But how do I know if they’re hearing me?”

Three steps

I said, “To determine if they heard you, you can check for understanding in three steps:

  1. Ask them if they want to be helped or heard. If they want to be only heard, use active listening yourself.
  2. Give them the answer or solution in 2-3 sentences. If they need more information, definitely stop and provide it. You can also put it in writing.
  3. Check for understanding. Say, “I don’t know if I was clear, what did you hear?” or “Sometimes I can be clear as mud – what did you take away from that?”

I said, “These steps encourage them to summarize what you just said. To see if you were clear, it’s important to hear them all the way out. It may be obvious but if you want to be heard, it helps to listen.

Calvin said, “Those steps are helpful. But I’m concerned it could make me sound bossy or authoritarian.”

I said, “It could. But it’s much more likely to have the opposite effect. Checking their understanding communicates that you care about how it lands with them. Demonstrating you care for a person within their context is cultural intelligence in action.

“One of the things I appreciate about using cultural intelligence is that it builds trust fast. Building trust is particularly helpful when you don’t know a person very well and your work depends on you and the other person developing a shared understanding.

A multicultural context

“To give you some context,” I told him, “in the U.S., we have a low-context culture. A low-context culture is one in which there is little shared history or relationship, so communication needs to be direct, explicit and relies primarily on spoken words to convey meaning and build trust. It’s on the speaker to be clear. Whereas in a high-context culture, like in France, Japan and Kenya, good communication is nuanced. Messages are both spoken and implied. Listeners have to read between the lines. As a result, it’s on the listener to understand.

“When you’re a visitor, a contractor or are working with a multicultural team, you need low-context processes like what we’ve been talking about. As a visitor at the site, you had little shared history or relationship, correct? [Calvin nodded.] By recognizing that reality, it’s important to check for understanding to ensure you were clear, to build trust and to get the work done efficiently.”

Calvin said: “That makes a lot of sense.”

I said, “So this is me checking. How does this information land with you?”

Calvin said, “I see what you mean. I’m not assuming I got my point across; I’m actually checking to see if I did. As I check for understanding along the way, I’ll know if I’ve been clear. It’ll also foster a better working relationship. This mindset really changes the dynamic between the other person and me.”

I said, “It definitely changes the dynamic. It empowers you to ensure that both you and they feel valued and heard.”

Conclusion

Calvin is recognizing the shift in the power dynamic. He’d originally thought he was stuck with unproductive behavior and couldn’t effect any change. He didn’t only feel powerless, he was in effect powerless. However, he now knows that when he checks – encouraging the other person to summarize – he’s empowered to get to a shared understanding.

Coming to a shared understanding, one conversation at a time, is what creates a more and more collaborative culture within a team and any work environment. That’s the kind of culture that is not only more productive and efficient, it’s also a work environment where people want to stick around.

This translates into significant savings for organizations, as the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Considering that turnover leads to loss of valuable experience and increased costs in training, attracting and keeping talent remains one of the top three priorities for CEOs in 2025.

What people issues do you deal with? Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract, retain and engage diverse talent. To get more information, click for a free discovery call.

Photo: Our Bassett Hound “Bruce”

Outsmart Bias and Win

Outsmart Bias and Win

by | Mar 27, 2025 |

To meet their Continuing Legal Education [CLE] requirements, a law firm hired me to do my program, “Outsmart Assumptions and Communicate Confidently with Just About Anyone.”

As the lawyers were gathering in the conference room, I asked, “What prompted you to come today?”

Of course, their initial answers were snarky and fun…

  • “Because we’re required to get the CLE’s.”
  • “Yeah, I have to be here.”
  • “Something different to do at lunchtime.”

As a facilitator, I know that if I wait and give people more think-time, the answers will get more profound. And they did. Next, I heard…

  • “Because I’m curious.”
  • “I’m always learning.”
  • “Because I like the title and I want to win.”

I said, “Of course you want to win, you’re a lawyer.” He laughed. They all laughed. Then I said, “That’s actually how you can tell cultural intelligence is in play, both parties walk away from the conversation feeling valued, seen and heard, each within their unique context. They both win.”

The lawyer said, “Then this’ll be good because that’s my intent too. In my line of law, I want all parties to win.”

I said, “Then we’re both in the right place! So, let’s outsmart assumptions and win.”

Here’s a poem I wrote about their team training…

What about assumptions?

We all have them; it’s not your fault.
In fact, we humans need assumptions to be effective, efficient and safe.
They aren’t good or bad.
They’re actually right 70% of the time.

If they’re right so often, why outsmart them?

Because if you’re unaware they’re in play, your people, relationships and business can be in jeopardy. 

So, what’s an assumption?

An assumption is an idea that we accept as true about a person or group without proof.
A hidden assumption is a bit of knowledge that we accept is true about a person or group without proof – of which we are unaware.

How can you be unaware of what’s in your brain?

The bits of knowledge are stored in your brain and encountered so often in your cultural environment, they seem normal.
So normal you’re unaware they influence how you speak and act.
They’re also called “unconscious bias.”

Biases can sound like…
He should lose weight.
She should speak up.
I am not good enough.
They’re good at math.
Why is she so tired?
This too shall pass.
They should get on board.
I just need to get over it.

In nanoseconds a brain makes snap decisions without your permission.
If you’re not alert, they can inadvertently….
Cut you off from a person or an opportunity.
Keep you from getting the rest of the story.
Block you from making a genuine connection.
Impede curiosity and innovation within you and the organization.

Why would a law firm want to outsmart assumptions?

Because they want to…
Meet their continuing education requirements.
Retain their talent.
Diversify their personnel so they can reach a broader market.
Capture every opportunity to win.

So how can they and you outsmart assumptions and win?

The easiest way is to…
Slow down and take a breath.
Observe your thoughts.
Notice and name the assumption.
Wonder what more there is to the story.
If you don’t have time or energy in a particular moment, you can circle back and learn more later.

This is one approach to outsmarting an assumption and start pulling together, rather than against one another and the world. – Amy Narishkin, PhD

I work with organizations and their leaders who want to attract, retain and engage diverse talent so they can reach a broader market. Contact me for team development or executive coaching.

Photo by Robert Katzki on Unsplash

Navigating Change with Cultural Intelligence

Navigating Change with Cultural Intelligence

by | Feb 24, 2025 |

Change is constant. And in today’s interconnected world, navigating change effectively requires more than just flexibility—it requires cultural intelligence. Although I practice and teach cultural intelligence, there are times when people associate my work with another body of research that has been in the news lately: DEI or Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. Because they can have similar outcomes, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how DEI and cultural intelligence correlate.

DEI is not my area of expertise. Rather, I focus on the ability to navigate domestic and international cultural differences. This is vital for leaders and their organizations who want to create harmony, improve communication, expand innovation, build rapport with customers and investors and bolster confidence in interactions both in and outside the domestic market. That’s why I work with organizations and their leaders who want to confidently create a cohesive culture where everyone – from all walks of life – feels like they belong.

What’s next

What if you and your team could build a skill set to effectively talk and work with just about anyone? Using this skill set, called cultural intelligence, helps ensure that you and those you talk with feel valued, heard, seen and engaged. These are the skills and tools anyone with curiosity, compassion and tenacity can develop over time.

With cultural intelligence, you are equipped to upend distracting day-to-day friction, collaborate smoothly within multicultural teams and create meaningful cross-cultural products and services.

Ensuring that everyone feels valued, heard, seen and engaged can be tough, particularly with workplaces and communities growing more diverse by the day. So, what if you…

  1. Are unsure about how to navigate cross-cultural interactions?
  2. Wonder if diversity in an organization only adds more conflict?
  3. Say something that’s hurtful?

Those are legitimate questions. In a time of uncertainty, normal human responses shy away from candid communication, remain silent or find someone to blame when things go south and lash out in anger. Silence or psychological violence are convenient ways to make some sort of meaning out of a bewildering situation. But another more productive response to the uncertainty is possible: empathy. Empathy is akin to solidarity. It is born of the understanding that we are all in this together.

In what together? For starters, we’re all in the uncertainty together. And that may be exactly why you’re reading this article – because you don’t always know how to communicate solidarity and create connections with people who have a different perspective or background. Know that you are not alone.

Whether it’s in your community making new friends or on a conference call with colleagues or clients, cultural intelligence is what enables you to appreciate another person’s perspective, even when you don’t agree, and adapt your words and actions that show them genuine respect. It’s the pathway to a shared understanding and mutual appreciation. The best part is this is how you create win-win scenarios that bridge divides and nourish human connection in workplaces and community spaces. That’s what creates a sense of safety and belonging in any organization.

Consider this: Only about half of American workers feel valued at work (Calvin, 2023). Considering that work is where people spend the bulk of their time, the overall feeling they have about their jobs is essential to productivity, engagement and, ultimately, success for any  organization and community.

So, it’s important that businesses…

  • Review policies: Ensure your hiring and workplace practices comply with existing laws.
  • Adapt diversity initiatives if that’s important to your organization. If it is, you can align your efforts with legal frameworks while continuing to foster a culture where no one is left feeling sidelined or silenced.
  • Ground decisions and policies in cultural intelligence: Build a cohesive culture that acknowledges domestic and international differences and recognizes that unique talent as an asset for reaching a broader market.

In today’s environment, cultural intelligence has never been more important. It allows leaders and organizations to navigate complex diversity issues with sensitivity and insight. By fostering an understanding of different cultures and healthy communication, businesses and their leaders can create a culture in which all employees feel valued and heard, even in changing political or legal climates.

Let’s connect

In this fast-changing world, it’s crucial for businesses and their leaders to stay ahead of the curve. If you’re looking for more information on how to adapt your strategies and build a high-performing, cohesive team, I’d love to connect. You can reach out here for tailored guidance and support on navigating these changes with cultural intelligence. You can also learn at your own pace and get the tools you need to work effectively with just about anyone in my online, self-study course.

Together, we can make sure your workplace remains sustainable, inclusive and productive for years to come.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Don’t Speak First

Don’t Speak First

by | Jan 28, 2025 |

I’ve noticed you’re the first to speak up when I ask a question in our training sessions,” I observed.

“I’m trying to get things started,” explained Dean in our executive coaching session. Dean is Chairman of the Board and takes part of the leadership development training we’re doing for the organization. Dean said, “If people are going to attend the meetings, they should speak up.”

Amy: “You’re right; their engagement is important. What prompts you to think you need to speak first and get things started?”

Dean: “After you ask a question, the silence is awkward.”

Amy: “It is awkward. May I share why that is?

Dean: “Sure.”

Amy: “In the U.S. we can handle only about 4 seconds of silence before someone feels the need to fill the gap. So, I’m wondering what if you allowed someone else to fill the silence? It could be interesting to hear their ideas.”

Dean: “It could be. But what if minutes go by and no one says anything? Then what do you do?”

Amy: “That won’t happen.”

Dean: “How can you be so sure?”

Amy: “I can be sure because I can adjust.”

Dean: “How?”

Amy: “If people aren’t talking, it’s typically for one of two reasons. Either they don’t feel safe or the question is too hard.

Dean: “Interesting.”

Amy: “If the question is too hard, I can ask a simpler one. For example, instead of asking, ‘Why did this happen?’ I can ask, ‘What happened first?’

“If the question is easy enough and participants are still quiet, that indicates participants don’t feel safe. As the facilitator, I can help create a safe space for participants to open up. That’s how I’ll get to hear their uniquely creative and ingenious ideas.

Dean: “How do you create a safe space?”

Amy: “As a leadership team, we’ve been developing the cultural intelligence, right? [Dean nodded.] Cultural intelligence is compassion for another within their unique circumstances. That compassion gives you a choice as their leader to either try to demand they talk now or allow for their circumstances and give them options for how they share.

Dean: “How do I do that?”

Amy: “For example, the introverts, neuro-divergent thinkers and those who have been historically marginalized often appreciate having think time before they speak up.

“To give them think time, you can…

  • Send out an agenda ahead of time so they know how to prepare.
  • Ask them to write their answer on a post-it note. That way you already have the 100% engagement you’re actually seeking.
  • Invite them to share the best way for them – aloud within the meeting or via email after the meeting.
  • Ask an open-ended question and then count to 10 in your head. That slows you down and gives them think time to offer thoughtful answers.”

Dean: “Good to know.”

Amy: “May I ask you a question?” [Dean nodded.] What if you didn’t share at the beginning of the meeting but shared in the middle instead?”

Dean: “What for?”

Amy: “It can be tough for some employees to open up when the boss is in the room. Even though you’re a nice guy, the power you wield can be intimidating. What if you use your voice to empower your team members so they feel safe and seen? You can say something like, “Lois, I appreciate your idea. It sounds like you are developing a new pathway for the client. Did I get that right?” Then drop into silence and see what she says.

Dean: “That’s doable.”

Amy: “From our training, you’ll recognize the steps…

  1. Say their name – it’s affirming to hear your name.
  2. Paraphrase what was said – it demonstrates you’re really listening.
  3. Check your impact – it communicates you care about their experience.

“When you check your impact, you can say, ‘What was the impact of my words?’ Or ’How does that land on you?’ This last step not only communicates you care but also allows you to learn if you have a mutual understanding of the issue.

“So let me check, how does this idea land on you?”

Dean: I like it. I’ll do it.

What happened

At the next training, Dean didn’t speak first. He spoke up in the middle and followed the three steps. The colleague he affirmed smiled broadly. Then he did it two more times. Seeing the power of affirmation since then, Dean continues to hold his tongue and talks in the middle of the meeting, affirming and empowering his colleagues.

Conclusion

Sometimes a boss doesn’t realize how powerful they are and empowering they can be. When employees feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and ideas, organizations realize an increase in job satisfaction, employee engagement, and ultimately, improved retention rates. This translates into significant savings for organizations, as the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Also, a study by the Harvard Business Review (HBR) found that companies with highly engaged workforces have a 25% lower rate of voluntary turnover compared to companies with low engagement levels. This is why 60% of CEOs in a January 2024 study said retaining and engaging employees is their top priority. They increasingly recognize the critical role of their people in driving business success.

If this article resonates with you, please share. Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract, retain and engage diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.

Photo credit: Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

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