Empowering Partners
Pause Power: Transforming Opposition into Opportunity

Pause Power: Transforming Opposition into Opportunity

by | Oct 31, 2025 |

I had just finished speaking to 200 Human Resource leaders when I noticed him—a man lingering at the back of the ballroom, watching. As attendees lined up to chat with me, he kept his distance. While I packed my materials, the room gradually emptied until only he remained, hovering near the exit door like he had something to say.

When our eyes met, I smiled. “Did you want to speak with me?”

He stepped forward with purpose. “You know,” he said, his voice firm, “You and I are polar opposites.”

That statement landed like a challenge. In that moment, I felt a flash of annoyance—I’d just received such positive feedback from everyone else. But, instead of reacting, I deliberately set my backpack down.

That simple action—putting down my bag—gave me the three seconds I needed to practice the cultural intelligence I teach. I took a breath. I observed my reaction. In nanoseconds, I wondered what had upset him. I chose curiosity.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, genuinely interested now. “How so?”

His shoulders tensed as he replied, “I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m proud of my white history.”

I nodded, “I get that. I am too.”

Confusion flashed across his face. He clearly hadn’t expected that response. “Then why,” he challenged, “did you tell your daughter she should be ashamed of being white?”

“I did? Was that the impression I left?” I asked. Now I was genuinely curious about what he’d heard in my presentation.

He said, “That’s what I got out of your story.”

I nodded, acknowledging his perspective. “I can see why you’d be upset.”

He nodded back—a tiny bridge of understanding forming between us. That’s when I realized he might be ready for more context.

So, I asked, “May I provide some more background for that story?”

“Sure,” he said, his stance softening slightly.

I explained, “Because my daughter Abby, a news correspondent, travels globally, she’s often the only white person in the room. She has learned that, after years of being belittled under the system, people of color may hesitate to speak up for fear of retaliation, misrepresentation, social isolation or job loss, even when asked to speak up. She has found it most effective to slow down, acknowledge her uniqueness upfront and ask if she can ask a question. So, she’ll say, “Because I’m white, I may not see what it’s like for other people. Would you mind sharing your perspective so that I can get a more complete story and share it with others who don’t know?” Easing into a conversation and acknowledging her difference helps people feel safer faster and trust her with their story.”

“Ok,” he said slowly, “that makes more sense.”

Then I asked, “May I ask what prompted you to think she might be ashamed of her whiteness?”

That’s when the real story emerged.

He said, “I’m the Director of HR for a locally owned mid-size corporation. We’re all white. We’re almost all men.” Then his voice lowered slightly. “What I see on TV is so different now. It’s almost always mixed-race couples.”

“I get it; it’s definitely different from the way we grew up,” I acknowledged. “It’s also tough when you don’t see yourself represented in the media. I can imagine it was hard for people of color for all those years too.”

Then came the moment that everything changed.

“I don’t want my son to feel ashamed of being white,” he admitted, his voice softening. “I want him to be proud of who he is.”

There it was—not anger, but parental concern. Behind his challenge was a father trying to navigate raising a child in changing times. I felt for him.

“As he should be,” I said warmly. “I have a son too, and I want him to be proud of who he is as well.”

Relief crossed his face. “Oh, then you get it.”

I said, “I do. He’s an aerospace engineer at Boeing. He has his job at Boeing because of an executive there, an African American woman who is a member of our church helped him get an interview. If my son hadn’t learned to respect women, connect with a people of color and be confident as an engineer, he wouldn’t have the job he has.

“Honestly, I think that’s part of our job as parents – to teach our kids to appreciate their own and others’ uniqueness. That’s why I shared with the audience today the acronym S.T.O.P – so HR leaders like you can uncover employees’ unique story to create more connection and commitment.

S.T.O.P. means:

  • S – Slow down
  • T – Take 3 deep breaths
  • O – Observe your reaction and theirs
  • P – Proceed with curiosity and wonder

He nodded, a genuine smile appearing for the first time. “Thanks for that perspective. I guess you and I aren’t so different after all.”

What I realized in that empty ballroom is that the pause between trigger and response is where true leadership lives. That three-second moment when I put down my bag wasn’t just a delay—it was a deliberate choice to create space for understanding rather than reaction. The pause transformed what could have been a confrontation into a connection, opposition into opportunity.

Why ‘pause power’ matters to the C-Suite

For executives and leaders, the ability to pause isn’t just cultural intelligence—it’s a competitive advantage for their companies that directly impacts the bottom line. Research shows when employees feel heard and respected, engagement rises by 74% while turnover drops by 40% (Workforce Institute 2021). Conversely, when employees feel dismissed, organizations lose approximately $7,500 per employee annually in lost productivity and preventable turnover (SHRM 2024).

When leaders model that kind of cultural intelligence, they not only defuse tension but also build trust, belonging, and retention across their teams. In today’s polarized world, a leader’s ability to pause may be the smallest act with the highest return on investment.

Dr. Amy Narishkin is a cultural intelligence strategist who helps leaders turn tension into trust and challenges into opportunities. She partners with executives to boost engagement, retention, and inclusive leadership. Discover how a simple pause can transform your team — connect with Dr. Amy today.

 Photo by Will Porada on Unsplash

Trust and Use Feedback Without Losing Yourself

Trust and Use Feedback Without Losing Yourself

by | Sep 30, 2025 |

“Can I ask your advice?” asked Tatum, in our coaching session.

Tatum is one of her organization’s top project managers. She brings her projects in on time and under budget. But she has been struggling to trust her boss and felt unsure about what to do with the feedback she’d received.

I said, “Sure you can.”

Tatum said, “How do I respond to feedback I’ve gotten?”

“I know it has been hard with your boss. So it’s tough to know what to do with her feedback,” I replied.

“That’s just it,” Tatum said. “This feedback didn’t come from my boss. It came from another colleague, a mentor of mine in the organization. He has had more than two decades of experience in project management and genuinely cares for people.”

I said, “Based on your current relationship with your boss, I can understand you feel suspicious. It may be hard, but don’t carry that suspicion over to other relationships – especially him. The compassion he regularly expresses for you and your context is telling.”

Tatum said, “How so?”

“When a person works to understand more about you and your situation before they pass judgment, that’s cultural intelligence in action,” I said, feeling real respect for him. “Because they care enough to get more of the story, you can trust that their feedback is genuine and trustworthy.”

Tatum said, “That makes a lot of sense. That leads me to my second question. He told me he has noticed that when I’m tired in a meeting, I start talking fast, stop listening and smile a lot. He says the meeting is no longer productive at that point, and I should just end it. This is why he suggested during the last meeting that we ‘take a break and reconvene tomorrow.’”

I said, “Now that you know you can trust it, how did that feedback land on you?”

“It’s interesting,” Tatum said. “I never noticed before that I shut down in meetings. But he’s right. And you’re right, because it came from him and his big heart, I could actually hear his constructive criticism.”

She added, “But I don’t know how to stop talking too fast and past people.”

I said, “You don’t stop. You’re behaving that way to take care of you.”

That gave Tatum pause. Then she said, “That’s interesting. But how do I care for me and still follow his suggestion? I don’t want to ignore his advice.”

I said, “Don’t ignore it. Let it teach you. With this new self-awareness of how you’re impacting others, you can set up meetings that take care of you and them.”

Tatum said, “How do I do that?”

“What’s an optimal meeting length for you?” I asked her. “Cultural intelligence is compassion for a person—including you—within their unique context. How long can you handle meeting with people before you start to zone out?”

“I can handle about 45 minutes,” she said.

I said, “Great that you know. So schedule meetings for 45 minutes. Make sure you send out a quick agenda ahead of time so no one is surprised by the timing and can be prepared to get right on task.”

Tatum replied, “I’d like to but people around here are accustomed to 60-minute meetings, though.”

“I know,” I said. “But you can sell meeting-downsizing with your cultural intelligence. Tell your mentor you’re honoring his wisdom and cutting meetings back so everyone, including you, is more productive. Tell your direct reports that everyone could use an extra 15 minutes in their day, so you’re making that happen. You can show how everybody wins.”

Tatum said, “I like how we all win with this approach.

I said, “That’s how you know you’re using your cultural intelligence—you take into account your needs and theirs to create a win-win.

Tatum said, “I appreciate your advice. Thanks!”

Takeaway for leaders

Feedback is especially critical in complex high-stakes environments like healthcare. Yet studies show that 65% of employees say they want more feedback. But only 29% say the feedback they receive is actually helpful (Gallup, 2019). In healthcare specifically, studies link effective feedback and communication to improved patient outcomes and higher staff retention. (BMJ Quality & Safety, 2022)

Teaching employees how to discern and respond to feedback with cultural intelligence isn’t a “soft skill”, rather it’s a strategic investment. It strengthens individuals, teams, and the entire organization. And in healthcare, it leads to better patient outcomes, stronger retention, and more resilient teams. -Amy Narishkin, PhD

If you found Tatum’s story helpful, I’d love to hear from you!
👇 What’s one piece of feedback that changed the way you work or lead?
Share your experience in the comments — let’s learn from each other’s journeys.

And if you want to dive deeper into mastering feedback and building cultural intelligence in your team or organization, connect with me here or send me a message. Let’s create more win-win conversations together!

Photo by Ronda Dorsey on Unsplash

Disarming Quiet Aggression

Disarming Quiet Aggression

by | Aug 18, 2025 |

The other day Caitlin, a colleague of mine, asked me, “What do you do when a person persistently tries to convert you to their perspective?”

“What’s going on?” I asked her.

Caitlin said, “Every time a branch of my family is around, they’re wearing their MAGA gear. They’re not loud about their opinions, but they’re definitely obvious.”

“That’s tough,” I said. “No matter the political persuasion, it’s tough when someone tries to convince you of something you don’t agree with. It can make you feel invisible.”

Caitlin said, “It really can – it did, in fact. It’s not violent, but it is aggressive.”

I responded, “It is aggressive. Violence and aggression can be loud and fast or, like in this case, quiet and slow. And that slow drip can do real damage — to families, to teams, and to organizations. In fact, Harvard Business Review found that 48% of employees reduce their effort after experiencing incivility, and 38% intentionally decrease the quality of their work. What happens in families shows up at work too.”

Caitlin said, “That’s what’s happening. What can I do or say?”

I said, “You’re right to wonder how to respond. If you remain silent, that indicates agreement and minimizes your own feelings. That hurts a soul. But if you retaliate or react, you’ll potentially lose the relationship, which it sounds like you don’t want.”

Caitlin said, “That’s true. Is there another way?”

I said, “There is a third way to respond. With cultural intelligence – compassion for a person within their unique context – you can create a situation where you both feel valued and heard. Creating a win-win is a nonviolent, non-aggressive way that can include de-escalation and even assertive communication. It helps people build working relationships. One practical tool is using the phrase:

👉 “I feel ____ when you ____ because ____. I’d appreciate if ____.”

“You might say: ‘I feel hurt when you wear MAGA clothes around me because it feels like you’re sending me the message that my opinion doesn’t matter. I’d appreciate if you’d wear nonpolitical clothes when we get together.’ Then drop into silence and see how they respond.

“This approach is not about trying to change a person’s behavior – you can’t control that – but about naming the impact of their actions on you. So often people are so wrapped up in their own world that they don’t realize how their behavior affects other people.”

The business case is clear: Gallup reports disengaged employees cost U.S. companies $1.9 trillion annually. In healthcare especially, disengagement leads to burnout, higher turnover, and compromised patient care. Leaders with higher cultural intelligence are shown to be 3.5x more effective at collaboration across differences.

Caitlin had one more question, “What if they mean to be aggressive?”

“You’ll know if they mean to be aggressive based on how they respond. They’ll either dismiss your feelings or be surprised – or maybe even curious and wanting to learn more. (Or they may dismiss your concern in the moment and circle back with curiosity later.) No matter how they respond, you can know that you’re practicing cultural intelligence because you…

  1. Do not participate in any attempt to inadvertently or intentionally diminish or minimize you or them. (This affirms your experience from the inside out which is healing.)
  2. Open up the possibility of civil conversation and more genuine connection.
  3. Help to create a more compassionate world. (If the nonviolent response isn’t effective in this relationship, it’ll be effective in other relationships, which spreads compassion.)”

“So let me check my impact,” I said to Caitlin. “How does this approach land on you?”

Caitlin summed it up well. “I like how the culturally intelligent response names my pain and invites my family members to think about the impact of their actions on me. It’s a gentle and respectful approach for all of us. I can’t control how they’ll respond, but at the very least I’ll no longer stay silent, which helps me feel more empowered and less like a victim.”

That’s the third way — one that resists silence, avoids retaliation, and instead builds connection. For healthcare leaders, practicing it isn’t just good for relationships. It’s a strategy for engagement, retention, and safe patient care. – Amy Narishkin, PhD

Leader Takeaway: When you respond with cultural intelligence instead of silence or retaliation, you not only protect relationships — you also strengthen engagement, retention, and patient care.

👉 If you’d like support applying these strategies in your leadership, I offer executive coaching for conscientious healthcare leaders who want to build cultures of trust and collaboration. Let’s connect.

Photo credit: luca romano on Unsplash

Handle a New Situation

Handle a New Situation

by | May 31, 2025 |

I’d not been in a shelter for people facing homelessness before. This was a new situation for me and I definitely felt some anxiety. We’ve all been there, feeling unsure of what to do or say in a new cultural context. Whether it’s a shelter, business, campus or country, we all need tools to navigate conversations with people from all walks of life.

How I got to the shelter

Shortly after the tornado ravaged miles of north St. Louis City and County, a friend our ours, Pastor Marco van Raalton, emailed us a number of links to organizations where we could sign up and volunteer to help. Had it not been for his email, it may not have occurred to us to join the relief effort.

My husband, Cyril, and I signed up to help at a shelter run by Friendly Temple church on the north side of St. Louis City. Because of the tornado, the American Red Cross designated the shelter as one of its headquarters in the city, so donations were pouring in.

All those donations of food, clothes and supplies had to be received, organized and distributed. Cyril had volunteered the day before and was assigned to kitchen duty. While organizing and serving in the kitchen, he told me that any anxiety he’d felt in being new to relief work dissolved once he got down to work.

I heard his words but felt unsure as we headed downtown to volunteer the next day. I realized this was an opportunity to practice my cultural intelligence – compassion for people in their unique context. Since compassion starts within and radiates out, I employed one of the most vital tools in my new book, “The Communication Connection”: S.T.O.P.

S.T.O.P. is an acronym for…

  • Slow down,
  • Take three deep breaths (or however many you need to feel some calm),
  • Observe your reaction and assumption and the reaction of the other person, then, if you’re safe,
  • Proceed with curiosity and wonder.

As we were driving, I’d already started slowing down. So, I took a few long, deep breaths. I noticed a particular preconception that I’d inadvertently internalized: the stigma around people who are homeless. By noticing it and naming it, I could feel my fears easing a bit, my mind quieting down and my heart beginning to open up. I realized that, as is almost always the case, the anticipation was likely worse than reality and, as Cyril suggested, I got prepared to get down to work.

At the shelter

The shift leader, Miss Ruby, tasked Cyril with kitchen duty again. She assigned me to the room next door: toiletries. It was piled high with everything from toothpaste to diapers of all sizes and from bodywash to feminine products of all shapes. I spent hours that day unpacking shipping boxes, grouping and stacking goods and creating go-bags as people stopped in for supplies. Meanwhile, other volunteers kept bringing more and more boxes of donated supplies. The work was very physical.

It was also very mental and emotional. I had no idea how vital it would be to apply S.T.O.P. all day long. As I kept my body moving, I was intentional about observing my reactions and any assumptions that occurred which could keep me from connecting with a person. With my assumptions in check, there would be room in my head and heart for curiosity and wonder.

As I filled a reusable shopping bag for one gentleman, he was picky about the brand of soap and toothpaste. I thought to myself, “The nerve. Do people really have a right to be picky?” As soon as I caught that assumption, I realized that of course he has preferences and tastes. So do I. Allowing him to pick out his brand of choice was one small way to see his humanity. It was also a way to connect with him because, the moment he rejected the Irish Spring soap, he told me how his two daughters wouldn’t like the smell. I told him it’s too strong for me too. Then he told me how their home didn’t have either water or electricity, and they were making do with buckets and bottles of water.

Within a nanosecond of reining in that first assumption, my heart softened and we had a deeper, more genuine connection.

It’s with genuine connections like that that people feel safe to open up and reveal their needs. As I was filling a bag for one young woman, I knew now to check what toothpaste brand she wanted. She then asked if I had any floss. As I held up the floss to put in her bag, she nodded and then told me anything to keep her mouth clean was super important on the streets. When I revealed a big bottle of Listerine we had, her face lit up.

Another gentleman lit up when I revealed a box of socks I’d just discovered. He told me he hadn’t had a pair of socks in months. He asked if he could have two pairs, one to wear and the other to wash and dry. I gave him four pairs.

Miss Ruby was swamped managing volunteers and incoming donations. Within 15 minutes three new volunteers had come up even to me and asked how they could help. I looked to Miss Ruby for direction. Walking out of the hall, pointing at me she said, “She’ll tell you what to do. She’s the boss on this hall.”

I knew exactly what was needed. I’d seen the room next door piled almost to the ceiling with bags of clothes. I told the young men there that the bags needed to be gone through and the clothes sorted by size into the marked boxes along the wall in the hall. They got right to it.

As I thought about how quickly I’d been made a “boss,” I began observing how, from one moment to the next, I needed to be prepared to shift from knower to learner, back and forth as the situation demanded. Practicing S.T.O.P. – observing (and withholding) my assumptions and proceeding with curiosity and wonder – allowed me to make that shift fluidly back and forth throughout the day.

A few hours into my task, I knew the toiletries room well. I was fast becoming the knower in that domain and wondered how I was going to be able to “let go” after all that I’d invested. About then, Cyril walked in telling me he needed a break from pull-top cans and asked if he could help sort the diapers. Though I hesitated because, after all, it was “my” room, I agreed because there was another task I wanted to do. Bags and boxes of toys were piling up outside my room, and they needed a home. The toys weren’t going to be claimed by new owners if no one could see them.

I shifted to learner and found Miss Ruby. I asked permission to claim a corner of the lobby to lay out the toys. She and I walked the floor, found a good corner and cleared it of bags.

As I was on my knees unwrapping and displaying the stuffed animals, games and books, I became the learner again. Kids staying in the shelter gathered around to decide which animal would be theirs. I sat down on the ground, gave them eye contact and listened to the stories they had to tell me.

Once I got all the toys and books displayed, it occurred to me that some of the puzzle and coloring books and crayons could be used in the sleeping quarters. The Red Cross volunteers there might appreciate having something to offer adults and kids to do together by their cots. As I handed over the books and crayons, the volunteers in the room told me they’d been looking for something to offer the guests and appreciated my thoughtfulness. For a moment I was the knower.

Back in the toiletries room

When I got back to the toiletries room, the diapers were all lined up by size and there was a new lady in there working. Cyril told her that I was the one who had organized the room earlier in the day. She stopped working, gave me kudos and then asked permission to organize the incontinence briefs by size. In just one moment, she had ever so gracefully acknowledged all my effort and eased herself into taking over my job. Her natural ability to S.T.O.P. allowed me to “let go” of any possessiveness I felt over the room and freed me up to go play a board game with kids staying in the shelter.

Cyril was right

The anxiety did dissolve once I got down to work. But it wasn’t just the work that made the difference. It was getting to know the people. Creating genuine human connection is what erased any residual fears. Whether it’s a shelter, business, campus or country, you know a new-to-you cultural context can be intimidating. But with a big heart, growth mindset and a tool like S.T.O.P., you and your team don’t have to avoid challenging situations that can ultimately benefit you, them and the organization.

From a business standpoint, a welcoming environment that people want to be part of translates into significant savings, especially since the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Considering that turnover leads to loss of valuable experience and increased costs in training, attracting and keeping talent remains one of the top three priorities for CEOs in 2025. That’s why I work with organizations and their leaders to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain talent from all walks of life.

Please feel free to share this article. Want more tools? Click here.

Friendly Temple – Seeking Volunteers to staff their shelter. Men too are needed during the evening, shifts from 9 pm – 6 am. Sign up here. Serve at: 6356 Martin Luther King Drive, St. Louis, 63133. 

They Weren’t Listening

They Weren’t Listening

by | Apr 30, 2025 |

“They weren’t listening to me,” said Calvin. Engineering lead Calvin was tasked with resolving a recurring problem at a remote site. He said, “The technicians kept asking me the same questions over and over again. I wouldn’t have needed to spend a whole week on site if they’d just heard me.”

I said, “That’s frustrating.”

Calvin said, “It was! I don’t think there’s anything I could have done differently.”

I said, “Maybe not. But are you bringing this up because you want to be helped or because you want to be heard by me now?”

Calvin said, “Helped… but I can’t change them.”

I said, “You’re right; you can’t change them. But you can change your approach.

Calvin said, “What can I do?”

I said, “You could do what I just did — ask them if they want to be helped or heard. It’s a way to get buy-in. When they answer the question saying they’re interested in being helped, they’re committing to engaging with you.

Calvin said, “Interesting. But how do I know if they’re hearing me?”

Three steps

I said, “To determine if they heard you, you can check for understanding in three steps:

  1. Ask them if they want to be helped or heard. If they want to be only heard, use active listening yourself.
  2. Give them the answer or solution in 2-3 sentences. If they need more information, definitely stop and provide it. You can also put it in writing.
  3. Check for understanding. Say, “I don’t know if I was clear, what did you hear?” or “Sometimes I can be clear as mud – what did you take away from that?”

I said, “These steps encourage them to summarize what you just said. To see if you were clear, it’s important to hear them all the way out. It may be obvious but if you want to be heard, it helps to listen.

Calvin said, “Those steps are helpful. But I’m concerned it could make me sound bossy or authoritarian.”

I said, “It could. But it’s much more likely to have the opposite effect. Checking their understanding communicates that you care about how it lands with them. Demonstrating you care for a person within their context is cultural intelligence in action.

“One of the things I appreciate about using cultural intelligence is that it builds trust fast. Building trust is particularly helpful when you don’t know a person very well and your work depends on you and the other person developing a shared understanding.

A multicultural context

“To give you some context,” I told him, “in the U.S., we have a low-context culture. A low-context culture is one in which there is little shared history or relationship, so communication needs to be direct, explicit and relies primarily on spoken words to convey meaning and build trust. It’s on the speaker to be clear. Whereas in a high-context culture, like in France, Japan and Kenya, good communication is nuanced. Messages are both spoken and implied. Listeners have to read between the lines. As a result, it’s on the listener to understand.

“When you’re a visitor, a contractor or are working with a multicultural team, you need low-context processes like what we’ve been talking about. As a visitor at the site, you had little shared history or relationship, correct? [Calvin nodded.] By recognizing that reality, it’s important to check for understanding to ensure you were clear, to build trust and to get the work done efficiently.”

Calvin said: “That makes a lot of sense.”

I said, “So this is me checking. How does this information land with you?”

Calvin said, “I see what you mean. I’m not assuming I got my point across; I’m actually checking to see if I did. As I check for understanding along the way, I’ll know if I’ve been clear. It’ll also foster a better working relationship. This mindset really changes the dynamic between the other person and me.”

I said, “It definitely changes the dynamic. It empowers you to ensure that both you and they feel valued and heard.”

Conclusion

Calvin is recognizing the shift in the power dynamic. He’d originally thought he was stuck with unproductive behavior and couldn’t effect any change. He didn’t only feel powerless, he was in effect powerless. However, he now knows that when he checks – encouraging the other person to summarize – he’s empowered to get to a shared understanding.

Coming to a shared understanding, one conversation at a time, is what creates a more and more collaborative culture within a team and any work environment. That’s the kind of culture that is not only more productive and efficient, it’s also a work environment where people want to stick around.

This translates into significant savings for organizations, as the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Considering that turnover leads to loss of valuable experience and increased costs in training, attracting and keeping talent remains one of the top three priorities for CEOs in 2025.

What people issues do you deal with? Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract, retain and engage diverse talent. To get more information, click for a free discovery call.

Photo: Our Bassett Hound “Bruce”

Outsmart Bias and Win

Outsmart Bias and Win

by | Mar 27, 2025 |

To meet their Continuing Legal Education [CLE] requirements, a law firm hired me to do my program, “Outsmart Assumptions and Communicate Confidently with Just About Anyone.”

As the lawyers were gathering in the conference room, I asked, “What prompted you to come today?”

Of course, their initial answers were snarky and fun…

  • “Because we’re required to get the CLE’s.”
  • “Yeah, I have to be here.”
  • “Something different to do at lunchtime.”

As a facilitator, I know that if I wait and give people more think-time, the answers will get more profound. And they did. Next, I heard…

  • “Because I’m curious.”
  • “I’m always learning.”
  • “Because I like the title and I want to win.”

I said, “Of course you want to win, you’re a lawyer.” He laughed. They all laughed. Then I said, “That’s actually how you can tell cultural intelligence is in play, both parties walk away from the conversation feeling valued, seen and heard, each within their unique context. They both win.”

The lawyer said, “Then this’ll be good because that’s my intent too. In my line of law, I want all parties to win.”

I said, “Then we’re both in the right place! So, let’s outsmart assumptions and win.”

Here’s a poem I wrote about their team training…

What about assumptions?

We all have them; it’s not your fault.
In fact, we humans need assumptions to be effective, efficient and safe.
They aren’t good or bad.
They’re actually right 70% of the time.

If they’re right so often, why outsmart them?

Because if you’re unaware they’re in play, your people, relationships and business can be in jeopardy. 

So, what’s an assumption?

An assumption is an idea that we accept as true about a person or group without proof.
A hidden assumption is a bit of knowledge that we accept is true about a person or group without proof – of which we are unaware.

How can you be unaware of what’s in your brain?

The bits of knowledge are stored in your brain and encountered so often in your cultural environment, they seem normal.
So normal you’re unaware they influence how you speak and act.
They’re also called “unconscious bias.”

Biases can sound like…
He should lose weight.
She should speak up.
I am not good enough.
They’re good at math.
Why is she so tired?
This too shall pass.
They should get on board.
I just need to get over it.

In nanoseconds a brain makes snap decisions without your permission.
If you’re not alert, they can inadvertently….
Cut you off from a person or an opportunity.
Keep you from getting the rest of the story.
Block you from making a genuine connection.
Impede curiosity and innovation within you and the organization.

Why would a law firm want to outsmart assumptions?

Because they want to…
Meet their continuing education requirements.
Retain their talent.
Diversify their personnel so they can reach a broader market.
Capture every opportunity to win.

So how can they and you outsmart assumptions and win?

The easiest way is to…
Slow down and take a breath.
Observe your thoughts.
Notice and name the assumption.
Wonder what more there is to the story.
If you don’t have time or energy in a particular moment, you can circle back and learn more later.

This is one approach to outsmarting an assumption and start pulling together, rather than against one another and the world. – Amy Narishkin, PhD

I work with organizations and their leaders who want to attract, retain and engage diverse talent so they can reach a broader market. Contact me for team development or executive coaching.

Photo by Robert Katzki on Unsplash

Navigating Change with Cultural Intelligence

Navigating Change with Cultural Intelligence

by | Feb 24, 2025 |

Change is constant. And in today’s interconnected world, navigating change effectively requires more than just flexibility—it requires cultural intelligence. Although I practice and teach cultural intelligence, there are times when people associate my work with another body of research that has been in the news lately: DEI or Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. Because they can have similar outcomes, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how DEI and cultural intelligence correlate.

DEI is not my area of expertise. Rather, I focus on the ability to navigate domestic and international cultural differences. This is vital for leaders and their organizations who want to create harmony, improve communication, expand innovation, build rapport with customers and investors and bolster confidence in interactions both in and outside the domestic market. That’s why I work with organizations and their leaders who want to confidently create a cohesive culture where everyone – from all walks of life – feels like they belong.

What’s next

What if you and your team could build a skill set to effectively talk and work with just about anyone? Using this skill set, called cultural intelligence, helps ensure that you and those you talk with feel valued, heard, seen and engaged. These are the skills and tools anyone with curiosity, compassion and tenacity can develop over time.

With cultural intelligence, you are equipped to upend distracting day-to-day friction, collaborate smoothly within multicultural teams and create meaningful cross-cultural products and services.

Ensuring that everyone feels valued, heard, seen and engaged can be tough, particularly with workplaces and communities growing more diverse by the day. So, what if you…

  1. Are unsure about how to navigate cross-cultural interactions?
  2. Wonder if diversity in an organization only adds more conflict?
  3. Say something that’s hurtful?

Those are legitimate questions. In a time of uncertainty, normal human responses shy away from candid communication, remain silent or find someone to blame when things go south and lash out in anger. Silence or psychological violence are convenient ways to make some sort of meaning out of a bewildering situation. But another more productive response to the uncertainty is possible: empathy. Empathy is akin to solidarity. It is born of the understanding that we are all in this together.

In what together? For starters, we’re all in the uncertainty together. And that may be exactly why you’re reading this article – because you don’t always know how to communicate solidarity and create connections with people who have a different perspective or background. Know that you are not alone.

Whether it’s in your community making new friends or on a conference call with colleagues or clients, cultural intelligence is what enables you to appreciate another person’s perspective, even when you don’t agree, and adapt your words and actions that show them genuine respect. It’s the pathway to a shared understanding and mutual appreciation. The best part is this is how you create win-win scenarios that bridge divides and nourish human connection in workplaces and community spaces. That’s what creates a sense of safety and belonging in any organization.

Consider this: Only about half of American workers feel valued at work (Calvin, 2023). Considering that work is where people spend the bulk of their time, the overall feeling they have about their jobs is essential to productivity, engagement and, ultimately, success for any  organization and community.

So, it’s important that businesses…

  • Review policies: Ensure your hiring and workplace practices comply with existing laws.
  • Adapt diversity initiatives if that’s important to your organization. If it is, you can align your efforts with legal frameworks while continuing to foster a culture where no one is left feeling sidelined or silenced.
  • Ground decisions and policies in cultural intelligence: Build a cohesive culture that acknowledges domestic and international differences and recognizes that unique talent as an asset for reaching a broader market.

In today’s environment, cultural intelligence has never been more important. It allows leaders and organizations to navigate complex diversity issues with sensitivity and insight. By fostering an understanding of different cultures and healthy communication, businesses and their leaders can create a culture in which all employees feel valued and heard, even in changing political or legal climates.

Let’s connect

In this fast-changing world, it’s crucial for businesses and their leaders to stay ahead of the curve. If you’re looking for more information on how to adapt your strategies and build a high-performing, cohesive team, I’d love to connect. You can reach out here for tailored guidance and support on navigating these changes with cultural intelligence. You can also learn at your own pace and get the tools you need to work effectively with just about anyone in my online, self-study course.

Together, we can make sure your workplace remains sustainable, inclusive and productive for years to come.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Don’t Speak First

Don’t Speak First

by | Jan 28, 2025 |

I’ve noticed you’re the first to speak up when I ask a question in our training sessions,” I observed.

“I’m trying to get things started,” explained Dean in our executive coaching session. Dean is Chairman of the Board and takes part of the leadership development training we’re doing for the organization. Dean said, “If people are going to attend the meetings, they should speak up.”

Amy: “You’re right; their engagement is important. What prompts you to think you need to speak first and get things started?”

Dean: “After you ask a question, the silence is awkward.”

Amy: “It is awkward. May I share why that is?

Dean: “Sure.”

Amy: “In the U.S. we can handle only about 4 seconds of silence before someone feels the need to fill the gap. So, I’m wondering what if you allowed someone else to fill the silence? It could be interesting to hear their ideas.”

Dean: “It could be. But what if minutes go by and no one says anything? Then what do you do?”

Amy: “That won’t happen.”

Dean: “How can you be so sure?”

Amy: “I can be sure because I can adjust.”

Dean: “How?”

Amy: “If people aren’t talking, it’s typically for one of two reasons. Either they don’t feel safe or the question is too hard.

Dean: “Interesting.”

Amy: “If the question is too hard, I can ask a simpler one. For example, instead of asking, ‘Why did this happen?’ I can ask, ‘What happened first?’

“If the question is easy enough and participants are still quiet, that indicates participants don’t feel safe. As the facilitator, I can help create a safe space for participants to open up. That’s how I’ll get to hear their uniquely creative and ingenious ideas.

Dean: “How do you create a safe space?”

Amy: “As a leadership team, we’ve been developing the cultural intelligence, right? [Dean nodded.] Cultural intelligence is compassion for another within their unique circumstances. That compassion gives you a choice as their leader to either try to demand they talk now or allow for their circumstances and give them options for how they share.

Dean: “How do I do that?”

Amy: “For example, the introverts, neuro-divergent thinkers and those who have been historically marginalized often appreciate having think time before they speak up.

“To give them think time, you can…

  • Send out an agenda ahead of time so they know how to prepare.
  • Ask them to write their answer on a post-it note. That way you already have the 100% engagement you’re actually seeking.
  • Invite them to share the best way for them – aloud within the meeting or via email after the meeting.
  • Ask an open-ended question and then count to 10 in your head. That slows you down and gives them think time to offer thoughtful answers.”

Dean: “Good to know.”

Amy: “May I ask you a question?” [Dean nodded.] What if you didn’t share at the beginning of the meeting but shared in the middle instead?”

Dean: “What for?”

Amy: “It can be tough for some employees to open up when the boss is in the room. Even though you’re a nice guy, the power you wield can be intimidating. What if you use your voice to empower your team members so they feel safe and seen? You can say something like, “Lois, I appreciate your idea. It sounds like you are developing a new pathway for the client. Did I get that right?” Then drop into silence and see what she says.

Dean: “That’s doable.”

Amy: “From our training, you’ll recognize the steps…

  1. Say their name – it’s affirming to hear your name.
  2. Paraphrase what was said – it demonstrates you’re really listening.
  3. Check your impact – it communicates you care about their experience.

“When you check your impact, you can say, ‘What was the impact of my words?’ Or ’How does that land on you?’ This last step not only communicates you care but also allows you to learn if you have a mutual understanding of the issue.

“So let me check, how does this idea land on you?”

Dean: I like it. I’ll do it.

What happened

At the next training, Dean didn’t speak first. He spoke up in the middle and followed the three steps. The colleague he affirmed smiled broadly. Then he did it two more times. Seeing the power of affirmation since then, Dean continues to hold his tongue and talks in the middle of the meeting, affirming and empowering his colleagues.

Conclusion

Sometimes a boss doesn’t realize how powerful they are and empowering they can be. When employees feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and ideas, organizations realize an increase in job satisfaction, employee engagement, and ultimately, improved retention rates. This translates into significant savings for organizations, as the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Also, a study by the Harvard Business Review (HBR) found that companies with highly engaged workforces have a 25% lower rate of voluntary turnover compared to companies with low engagement levels. This is why 60% of CEOs in a January 2024 study said retaining and engaging employees is their top priority. They increasingly recognize the critical role of their people in driving business success.

If this article resonates with you, please share. Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract, retain and engage diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.

Photo credit: Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

How to Talk Turkey

How to Talk Turkey

by | Nov 30, 2024 |

The phrase “talking turkey” usually refers to speaking frankly, discussing hard facts, or getting down to business. “Turkey” by itself has a number of meanings. Of course, it’s known primarily as the big-feathered awkward bird almost 90% of Americans enjoy during their Thanksgiving feast. While taking home a turkey is considered a brag-worthy feat, being called one is not. It’s considered an insult.

Today there’s a lot of “talking turkey,” especially in boardrooms, congressional hearings and in political debates – one more reason why, during the holidays, it’s nice to just sit back, relax and eat the turkey.

This year many of us can be thankful for being alive and for the support we have found in one another. But how do you sit back, relax and enjoy talking especially in trying times like these? Our country and conversations are pretty divided but does our family dinner or Zoom call have to be?

I’m glad you asked.

One of the ways to get at the answer is to consider our surrounding culture: Is it task-based or relationship-based? In dominant American culture it is so much the former. We can get so caught up in our to-do lists, sometimes it doesn’t even occur to slow down and listen to one another. Yet, as human beings we have a deep need for human connection. When we don’t take the time to connect with ourselves and one another, we can feel isolated and alone, even in a crowded room.

How to connect

To connect with another, you need to “see” the other by accepting their feelings and experience as legitimate, even when their experience is different from your own. How do you do that?

When family or friend brings up a topic that is off-putting or hurtful to you, slow down, take a deep breath and notice your assumption. Even if they get your ire up, notice how they’ve struck a chord, acknowledge your internal reaction and temporarily hold off from expressing it out loud. Let them finish talking. How you feel is important. So is what they’re saying. While they’re talking and you’re feeling, imagine how they feel. When they’re finished, you can name that emotion you sense they feel. You don’t have to agree with their opinion or even completely understand, but you can affirm their feelings and experience. You can say something like:

  • “Sounds like you’re mad.”
  • “That must have been tough.”
  • “It’s disappointing when someone doesn’t understand.”

It can also help to learn more about where they are coming from. Abraham Lincoln said, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” With a posture of curiosity, you can learn another person’s story by gently requesting more information. You can ask something like:

  1. “May I ask you a question?”
  2. “What happened to you?”
  3. “What was that like?”

How the questions helped

In a coaching session, I learned from a young military veteran. He was recently retired, having just completed two tours of duty in Afghanistan. When I heard his background, I thanked him for his service. He didn’t respond so we moved to another topic. Later on in the conversation, I asked, “May I ask you a question?” He nodded. “I noticed you were quiet when I thanked you for your service. Would you help me understand what made you quiet?

As I listened to his story about Afghanistan, I could not even imagine what it was like to be so far from home, in such a vastly different place, fighting for your life day in and day out for over a year, only to do it all over again. The experience had not left him in a good place. After he related his story and I affirmed his feelings and experience, he told me he had not spoken much about his service until this point. He said he was feeling relieved. He thanked me for listening and the work I was doing.

He went on to explain that it hurts when people thank him for his service because, right or wrong, he struggles with the fact that some people in the military have jobs that don’t put them in harm’s way but people thank them with the same words.

I said, “That’s tough. It sounds like it comes across as dissmissive.”

He said, “It does.”

I said, “I’m sorry I sounded dismissive. Thanks for teaching me. It sounds like, if I thank someone for their military service, I have an opportunity to learn how those words impact the person. I can say, ‘Thank you for your service to our country. Then I can ask, ‘How do my words impact you?’”

He said, “I think that would be good to check your impact. How did you learn to do this work?”

Conclusion

I’m not always successful creating a connection, particulalry when I’m tired or hungry. But when my needs are met, I’ve discovered this posture of learnng is what enables me to create genuine human connection. This genuine connection is the best part. And so often when you take the time to learn and honor other person, they want to hear your story too. Though you may not agree with their politics or be able to relate to their experience, you can affirm their feelings as legitimate. It may take a few minutes or 15 minutes, but hear them out, ask if you can ask and then ask what happened. Together, you and the other person can develop a shared understanding both differentiating and integrating your ideas so you both feel valued, seen and heard.

Working together to develop a shared understanding is cultural intelligence in action. Cultural intelligence allows you to stand in solidarity with another, communicating you are not alone. Listening and affirming a person’s experience is one of the greatest gifts you can give, not just during the holiday season but throughout the year. -Amy Narishkin, PhD

If you enjoyed this article, please share it. If you’d like to learn to feel more confident talking and working with just about anyone, you can take my self-study course. In just six 30-minute lessons you can have a full tool box of tools to create genuine human connection.

Photo by Mikkel Bergmann on Unsplash

Don’t Ask Why

Don’t Ask Why

by | Oct 31, 2024 |

“People don’t answer questions anymore,” Andrea told me in an executive coaching session. Andrea is a systems engineer leader. Along with her other duties, she recently took on the role of mentoring emerging leaders at her company. In this session, she was wondering how to foster learning and still support those who weren’t answering her questions.

Amy: “What kinds of questions are you asking that they don’t answer?”

Andrea: “I ask them to explain why they did or said what they did in situations they bring up.”

Amy: “Ah, you want them to share their thought process so you can build on their current understanding.”

Andrea: “Exactly.”

Amy: “That’s effective mentoring, to learn their context and build on it rather than assume you know and just talk at them. That compassionate approach is cultural intelligence in action.”

Andrea: “I know it’s important, and yet I feel so frustrated they don’t want to answer my mentor’s-sort-of-questions.”

Amy: “You’re asking them using the word, ‘why,’ correct?” Andrea nodded. “That’s likely the problem. A ‘why’ question in our culture is like a hot burner on the stove – don’t touch it.”

Andrea: “Really?! Why not?” Andrea saw the irony in the question she just asked and laughed.

Amy: “That’s a good question! It’s typically because people, whether they’re 4 or 40 years old, don’t know why they just did or said what they did. As a result, when you ask, ‘Why?’ they really don’t know, which makes them feel uncomfortable. People usually don’t want to admit when they don’t know something.”

“Because they don’t know why, ‘why’ questions make them feel defensive.”

Andrea: “I’ve seen that defensive response. So what can I say to learn about their thought process?”

Amy: “There are a number of ways to go about it. The simplest is to ask, “What prompted you to say (or do) that?”

Andrea: “Hmm. Interesting. I’ll try it.”

Three days later

I saw Andrea and asked her how it was going.

Andrea: “You’re right, I actually got a response when I asked the ‘What prompted you?’ question instead of the ‘Why? question. But I noticed there was still some hesitation to share. I don’t know why that is.”

Amy: “I get that.” Andrea looked confused. “Until they know you well and you’ve built up some trust, your mentee may be afraid of being blamed or shamed. The way around that is by giving them a reason for why you asked.”

Andrea: “I need to do even more?!”

Amy: “Helping people understand the reason behind your request is actually very motivating. They’ll be more likely to respond and provide even more detail.”

Andrea: “What does that sound like?”

Amy: “It’s as simple as: ‘What prompted you to do that? I’d like to know so that others can follow your example.’ By saying ‘what’ instead of ‘why’ and sharing your motive for asking helps both of you relax and perform at an optimal level.”

Andrea: “That’s super helpful. I wish I’d known this years ago.”

‘Why’ mentoring

Mentoring grounded on culturally intelligent practices, such as the one Andrea is using, is a win all the way around. The mentor is tapped for their expertise, valued for their growth mindset and recognized for their commitment to the organization. The mentee is recognized for their potential leadership, empowered to leverage their unique abilities and encouraged to think strategically for the benefit of the company and their colleagues. The result is, nearly 70% of businesses with an effective mentoring program report enhanced productivity, due to the program and the fact that, because of it, participating employees are 49% less likely to leave their jobs. Along with these successes, CEOs recognize that building a pipeline of capable leaders is essential for driving their organizations forward and ensuring long-term success. -Amy s. Narishkin, PhD

If you like this teaching, read more here. Dr. Amy works with organizations and their leaders who want to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain diverse talent. To learn more about executive coaching, click for a free discovery call.

Photo credit: Felipe Simo on Unsplash

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