Sarah and Paul Krumsieg, co-owner-operators of Dr. Jazz Soda Fountain & Grill in Lebanon, Illinois, know all about taking time. In fact, it was 15 years ago at their Soda Fountain that they took the time to talk with my family and me during our first visit to their restaurant, despite being in the middle of dinner rush. Ever since, we’ve been fast friends.

More recently, at a holiday party, Sarah asked me about the multi-cultural, cross-race discussions Pastor Julius Sims and I co-facilitate. I explained we come together once a month to learn, laugh, hurt, and grow together. With people we perceive to be different, we unpack majority cultural characteristics that help and hinder relationships.

Sarah asked for an example. One of the characteristics of majority culture is our sense of urgency. We often feel pressured, even rushed to check off the next task. Inclined to defend her culture (as we all are), Sarah asked if that was a problem. It’s not a problem, I explained, just a tendency. It’s not necessarily good or bad, or even right or wrong. It just is.

We Can Choose

Once we’re aware of a cultural tendency, we can choose how we’re going to behave. Otherwise, we think that’s just how we are. With my task-based ways, I used to schedule meetings back-to-back on the hour. Then I began to do the work of reconciliation, helping business owners become more aware of how to develop a robust and yet compassionate corporate environment that is ultimately more productive because everyone feels like they belong.

It didn’t take long to discover that if I was going to work effectively with people, I needed to allow more time to be with them. This would be especially true with those from a relationship-based cultural background. People, in general though, need to know you and your heart before they can trust you and feel comfortable working together. Now, when I’m meeting someone for the first time, I only schedule one meeting for that morning and let things unfold.

What I Do

Just like Sarah and Paul did when we first visited their restaurant, I’ve learned to:

1. Put aside my own desire to be task-based and open up the time to be relationship-based
2. Slow down
3. Watch how the conversation unfolds
4. Appreciate diverse ideas
5. Look for common ground

In her book, The Culture Map Erin Meyer says, “Once the relationship is built, loyalty and openness comes with it.” For me, it’s been awesome to experience this depth of relationship. I explained to Sarah that this was the tipping point with Pastor Sims. He and I are of different genders, races, and socio-economic backgrounds. When we took the time to enter into relationship-based conversations, we were able to discover and create a working friendship built on our common ground of faith, education, and reconciliation.

Sarah appeared intrigued and asked if she could take the time to participate in our Courageous Conversation in January. Thanks to Sarah for her willingness to learn and grow. -AN

When I sat down for coffee with Bob Bunch, Owner of Bunch on Biz, the first thing he inquired was, “Can I ask you a question?”

I said sure, and noted how cool it was that he asked. He was surprised by my comment and after a slight hesitation, looked at me and probed, “Why’s that?”

I explained that in my work around cultural intelligence, I’ve discovered I can’t just assume I can ask questions. It’s not always considered kind. Bob explained that when he queries people, he’s trying to take an interest. I told him that’s what I thought too, until an Iranian friend of mine, now an American citizen, told me she gets asked where she’s from just about every day. It makes her feel like she doesn’t belong. She’s not sure if they’re trying to satisfy their own curiosity or if they really care to get to know her.

But What Can I Say?

Bob: How can I show I care, especially as a guy who looks and sounds like he belongs here?

Me: Just like you did, requesting permission to ask is a great start. It suggests you care how the person feels. You can also qualify your question. For example, my husband, Cyril, grew up in Europe. He worked to develop an American accent when he came here for university. Naturally, he’s interested in connecting with people like himself who grew up abroad. So he says, “I grew up in The Netherlands. May I ask where you’re originally from?”

Bob: That’s cool, but I grew up in St. Louis and want to connect with people. What can I say?

Me: Perhaps, “I’m born and raised in St. Louis, I don’t know much about other parts of the parts of the world. May I ask what’s it like where you’re originally from?”

Four Steps

To help people like Bob look for a way to communicate care over curiosity, there are four steps I use…

1. Ask permission to ask
2. Share something from my own experience
3. Ask a relevant question, and
4. Give the person time to think about his or her answer

Care Over Curiosity

Assuming I can ask a question without considering the impact of my words is a characteristic of majority culture. That doesn’t mean we all do it; it’s just a trap we can fall into. I did. Years ago, when I was getting to know my husband’s family and curious about his French heritage, my mother-in-law said, “You Americans ask a lot of questions.” I remember saying, “But I’m just curious.” She pointed out that if someone doesn’t understand that, questions can feel intrusive. By starting conversation with permission ask a question, Bob opened up the space for me to answer without feeling like he didn’t care about me or what I had to say. What I’ve learned from friends and colleagues of a different color or nationality is that, even if my intention is good, for folks of minority culture, questions without care can be alienating and even hurt our potential for building relationships. With that explanation, Bob appeared thoughtful and satisfied, and went on to another question, after asking permission, of course. Thanks to Bob for his willingness to learn and grow! -AN

How Can Diversity Increase Sales? was a workshop I did last month for a real estate group. After the presentation one of the agents, Matt Kohler, who is also a dad, had a question. Matt asked, “How do I respond to my kids when they point out differences?” Good question. While I spend most of my time working in corporate space, his question is common among adults too.

A Clever Guy with a Legitimate Question
Matt’s life experiences that has made him aware of the privilege he enjoys as a person of majority culture. Although he and his wife now live in a predominantly white area of St. Peters, he grew up in a mixed-race community in North County-St. Louis. Also, as a military veteran in Iraq, he experienced significant cultural differences. With heightened awareness and value for diversity, he was unsure of how to respond when kids point out differences.

How the Brain Works
The brain is always about the business of categorizing input it receives from the senses. We humans can’t help being judgmental. For example, as we walk through our day, in order to keep us safe, the brain is deciding if the people we come across are either a friend or foe. As a veteran he understood that. What happens is, we:

• Associate people with whom we share common characteristics as a friend.
• Have to think again, since this isn’t always the case.
• Decide if our first reaction determines how we think/act.
• Ask ourselves, “Do I act into the initial reaction or can I talk with this person?”

So often in majority culture, we want to play down differences and focus on the similarities. However, that approach doesn’t help build relationships across culture.

An Answer to His Question
Instead of playing down differences, it’s more effective to acknowledge them. We all see them. In fact, our unique physical structure and personal experience, whether they are because of gender, skin color, disability or otherwise, help form who we are and how we relate to the world. It’s not helpful to deny who and how we are. Along with the kids, notice the uniqueness and then ask a question that encourages empathy. For example:

• “I see that person doesn’t have an arm.”
• “That could be challenging for him.”
• “I have a buddy that is a veteran who lost a limb. I wonder what it’s like?”
• “How would life be different for you without an arm?”

Matt was visibly relieved. He told me he was glad that he didn’t have to “shush” his kids but could acknowledge their natural concern. He liked that he could help his kids empathize with another’s experience, even though it wasn’t their own. And although this is about parenting, managers in a corporate setting can apply a similar approach, asking reflective questions with their direct reports.

Comedian Chris Rock shows why whites may not initally empathize with another’s background but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn. Thanks to Matt for his willingness to learn and grow. -AN

As events were unfolding in Ferguson, Missouri, my family and I were in France visiting family. We returned in time for school to start on Tuesday, August 12, 2014, four days after Michael Brown was killed. The following Saturday morning, August 16, I asked my middle school daughter if teachers were talking with students about events in Ferguson. They were not. Later that morning when my high school-aged son woke up, I asked him if his teachers were discussing events related to Ferguson. They were not. While sharing various news articles with them, my husband handed me an on-line article from the Paris newspaper, Le Monde about events in St. Louis. On Facebook, his cousin in Paris confirmed that this was daily news in France. It was unsettling to me that what was international news, nine days after riots broke out in our city and just 20 minutes from our home, was not being discussed in West County St. Louis schools.

As a career-long educator, I wondered why we were passing up on such a “teachable moment” for our community. I wondered if people were avoiding the subject or just didn’t know how to talk about it. For insight, I spoke with a colleague and friend of mine, Dr. Julius Sims, Pastor of Word of Life Christian Church in St. Louis city. He and I were doctoral students together in Adult Education at UM-St. Louis. I asked him if there was a similar lack of conversation in his circles. Pastor Sims explained that the people in his circles, black parents and children, were talking,  but, “…we’re not surprised. The tragedy of a life being taken within the African-American community is not surprising.” On the other hand, the story was different with his white friends. More typically Pastor Sims found that they didn’t want to talk about it.

Why didn’t whites want to talk about it? I wondered. I knew it was a tough topic. Like religion, sex, and politics, it is a subject to be avoided in the majority culture. But why were we avoiding a difficult topic, especially at such a critical time? And I wondered what was inhibiting even educators from passing up on a teachable moment for our kids?

Since August 2014, I’ve been researching what it is about majority white culture that inhibits us whites from entering real conversations about tough topics. It turns out there are just a few cultural characteristics that keep us from talking. However, once people are made aware of what’s getting in the way, and once they develop the language, skills, and heart for authentic conversations, they are set free to develop lasting relationships.

And in the spirit of developing lasting relationships that work, Pastor Sims and I have been co-facilitating monthly gatherings at his church called Courageous Conversations. Together, our multi-cultural group unpacks challenging questions, practices skills for reconciliation, and grows in empathy and understanding. We may not always get it right, but what we do know for sure is that it’s about connection, not perfection. -AN

courageousconversationsflyer

In my blog, I work to recognize what unconscious thoughts and behaviors I have that keep me from really “seeing” a person. I wonder, “What reactions to characteristics such as skin color, gender, culture, and religious affiliation, keep me from seeing a person with all her or his possibility?”  

Because it’s tough to get a cab at an airport for six people, my husband Cyril ordered a van to be waiting for us and our four kids in Mexico City. It was well after midnight when our plane arrived and because I was tired, I wasn’t thinking as much as simply noticing the different sights, smells and sounds around me. After going through customs, we went looking for our driver. When we found him, the first thing I noticed was his fair skin, light eyes, and mop of gray hair, unusual for a driver in Mexico. I felt comfortable with him.

It wasn’t until the next morning that I became more conscious of my reaction. I realized I had felt comfortable with him and didn’t even known the guy! I mentioned to Cyril that I had felt safe with this driver because he looked more like us.

Cyril told me that he had had the opposite reaction. He felt less trust when he saw the white driver. When I asked why, he told me it was because the driver “looked American.” I thought that was a strange reason-until I remembered Cyril had spent his formative years in Brazil and Holland, where he had developed very different concepts around skin color and nationality. In both our cases though, colorism impacted the way we viewed the driver.

Fortunately, we were alert enough to our immediate considerations that they didn’t keep us from getting to know our driver while we rode in his van. But I discovered that while I don’t have control over my initial reaction, I do have control over my next response. It’s in the second step where I have the power to choose my behavior. This is significant because folks in my cross-racial discussions are often worried that they can’t help being judgmental. And we can’t help it, because the brain is continuously and unconsciously monitoring if it’s safe or not. It’s in that second step though, where we have the opportunity to choose how we respond. That’s where our power lies.

So that kids can learn about diversity from their parents (rather than the media), below are conversation starters based on Disney’s Zootopia. My own kids and I developed these together. 

Our story: Because movie theaters are so expensive for a big family, we Narishkin’s usually wait until the movie comes out on DVD. During our recent spring break though, I broke down. I took the kids to see Zootopia. They were thrilled that I was actually taking them into a theater. And we loved the show! That is, until after the show. I started asking questions about the prejudice the animals had experienced in their mammal metropolis, Zootopia.

Being a social justice educator and facilitator, I just couldn’t pass up on the teachable moment. As my kids and I unpacked different parts of the movie, I started recording the questions we were wondering about. Although my kids may never want to go to a movie with me again, we did manage to have a great discussion.

During our discussion, we talked about how the assumptions we hold about others can make us feel or think other people are less than they are. I was hoping my kids would know that because I have thought deeply about racial prejudice. Brigitte Vittrup, associate professor of child development in her article says, “Silence about race removes the opportunity for children to learn about diversity from their parents and puts it in the hands of media and misinformed peers. Television, movies, and video games are full of stereotypes, and over time children pick up on these.” Vittrup goes on to explain that, “Without discussion about the errors in these portrayals and a conscious effort to expose them to counter-stereotypical examples, children will unwittingly adopt these images as pieces of evidence of how the world is supposed to be, and these pieces become a breeding ground for prejudice.”

These questions, based on Zootopia, are designed to spur inquiry, not to arrive at right answers. They are meant to help make sense of concepts and ideas that are initially puzzling and confusing and culminate in new perspectives and empathy. If a child can’t answer a question, she or he probably needs an easier question first. So these conversation starters are set up to move the discussion from concrete to more abstract ideas. Rather than use them as a script, find a starting point where a majority of the children can engage and carry the discussion forward. I’d love to hear about what you learn together. -ASN

Our questions:

1. What job did Bunny always want to do from the time she was a little bunny?
2. Why did some folks discourage Bunny from being a police officer?
3. By pursuing her desire to be a police officer, how did Bunny experience prejudice?
4. How was Bunny able to overcome the prejudice and be a police officer?

1. When the Fox wanted to be a scout as a young one, what did the other kids do to him?
2. Why did the kids act that way?
3. What kind of individual did the Fox become as an adult?
4. How did the racism* (or prejudice) that Fox experienced as a young one impact him as an adult?

1. What did Bunny say to the press about Predators?
2. How did Fox show he was hurt by what Bunny said to the Press?
3. Why do you think Fox was hurt?
4. Although she may not have intended it, how were Bunny’s words be an example of racism?*

1. What was the name of the flower that Sheep was using to make the blue bombs?
2. Why did Bunny and Fox think that the Night Howler was an animal?
3. How did the Bunny and Fox’s assumption get in the way of their investigation?
4. How did their assumption hurt others?
5. How was Sheep actually more savage than the Predators that were locked up?
6. How was Sheep using racism* to her own benefit?

*Racism – the belief that all members of a race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that group (Webster)

Today I had lunch with a black colleague with whom I had done some educational consulting work earlier in the year. The company she worked for had recently let go of a fellow black colleague who expressed anger over racism in a small group. My friend was discouraged by how her colleague had been treated.

Although I felt helpless, I chose to listen alertly as she told me her story. She seemed to me to be grieving. Her colleague, a young black female, was pushed out of the organization based on the testimony of a white male boss who stated that the young woman had behaved completely out-of-line. My friend acknowledged that the young woman had indeed expressed anger, but the boss didn’t seem to have taken into consideration that this young woman’s experience needed to be affirmed and not denied.

My friend seemed to me, to be resigned to the situation and went on to explain that she was dropping to part-time position with her company. I wondered why she didn’t want to fight back or at least speak up. As a mature veteran in our profession, she had gained more credibility than the young woman carried, and I couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t use her status to be an advocate for change. I thought to myself that if I were in her shoes, I would not have hesitated to express my frustration. I wondered if it was because she is older and tired and black. I wondered if there was a way I could stick up for her and be an ally.

Then she told me why she was dropping back to part-time work, to do missionary work for her church. She told me that the way her young colleague had been treated was the company’s problem, not hers. God would take care of the problem in His time, she said. She trusted that fact. I asked her if that was why she wasn’t outwardly objecting to what was happening in the company. She said yes and that being a peace-maker is one of the creeds of her church. She felt it was important to serve in a place where she knew she could be effective and have influence rather fight an organization which was not ready to grow.

By her wisdom, I found myself humbled. I realized that she knows best about the organization in which she works. She didn’t need me to rescue her. She didn’t need me to fix her or the situation. I saw that my majority cultural tendency to save and fix were not ultimately helpful. In fact, my first inclination to deeply listen and affirm her experience was, in fact, what I really needed to do.  She knew what she was doing all along. It wasn’t until I got past my assumptions that I discovered her wisdom in following her heart and her God. This was yet another reminder that not fixing, but listening and learning, is what I need to do.

Kim and I met for coffee. We put our heads together. She wanted to sell her product within minority communities; I wanted to learn how to communicate my service. Her product helps adults learn how to get out of debt and manage money and offers churches and schools a curriculum for youth. She didn’t know how to reach people other than those of her own white middle class background. As she spoke, I was affirming about the product she offered and the enthusiasm she expressed.

I then asked, “While you know this product is a proven solution for people within your own circles, do you know for sure if it’s effective with minority folks?” She wasn’t sure. I pointed out until we ask, we won’t know. She asked how that might work.

I suggested she might, for example, reach out to a church secretary in a community near her home. Kim could ask if he or she has 15 minutes to hear about a program that might be helpful to church members. I told Kim she could point out that she is white, not of the community, and needs to learn whether or not the program is a good fit.

Kim was shocked, “I can say I’m white?” I told her we whites are usually the only ones that hesitate to point out our race. Folks of color have to think and talk about race every day so they typically aren’t shocked and may even be grateful.

I explained one of the characteristics of majority white culture in the U.S. is a problem-and-solution orientation. We perceive a problem and want to offer a solution. The intention is good; however, the impact can actually hurt.

It hurts when folks of majority white culture offer a solution and haven’t taken the time to listen. It feels like an imposition, rather than a help. And then if the solution doesn’t work, it’s disappointing for everyone. So if a person really wants to “help,” he or she needs to take the position of learner, rather than teacher. To build trust across ethnic lines, it works best if a person of majority culture is willing to listen and learn, to follow the lead of the established leadership.

Kim pointed out she’s not good at listening. I suggested she may not good at listening yet. Like me, she can learn. I told her that Pastor Sims and I are teaching skills for reconciliation, like Active Listening, at our monthly events called Courageous Conversations, and she’d be welcome to join us.

Satisfied she knew her next step, Kim changed the subject. Together we realized what I had just showed her is what I do as an Inclusion consultant, I come alongside and empower people with the skills and heart to reach a broader market, to overcome barriers and build effective relationships. We’re all learning together. -AN

A friend invited me to talk with her Bible Study group. This group of white women wanted to unpack concepts humility and meekness in the light of recent racial tension. One participant asked, “Why not ‘All Lives Matter’ instead of Black Lives Matter?” As she asked her question, I recalled that reconciliation between people is not head-work but heart-work. Facts and figures may answer a question but they don’t help us discover empathy and understanding. 

I said, “I bet that there are others with that same question.” She thought so. I asked, “Do you think your question reflects the idea that we all want to matter?” She nodded. I said, “The Black Lives Matter movement can make us wonder if ‘others’ might become more important than us.” She said, “Yeah, that’s it.” Then it occurred to me then to write three words on the white board:

Assimilation    Celebration   Integration 

I pointed out that these words are a way to visualize a developmental trajectory of our society. I explained that after World War II and until the 1960’s, our culture was based on Assimilation. Individuals and groups adopted the ways of the larger or dominant culture. After the Civil Rights Movement, our society began to recognize or Celebrate the contributions of minority cultures. And since the tragedies of Ferguson and the like, we are headed toward an integrated multi-cultural society. In an Integrated society, all types of people work together as a unit, sharing resources and power. 

In light of those definitions, I suggested she consider the history of American-born African Americans whose families have been here for generations, how they were brought to the U.S. and have been treated for the past 400 years. I said, “Perhaps Black Lives Matter is about a people who just want to matter, really for the first time in American history. We don’t necessarily have to agree with what the Movement is doing, but can we empathize with the desire to matter? Can our hearts be broken open enough that we can see such a tragic history and the pain it has caused?” She wondered aloud, “Perhaps they just want to matter as much as the rest of us?” Then she changed the subject and I knew it was resolved in her mind… for now. -ASN