I’d not been in a shelter for people facing homelessness before. This was a new situation for me and I definitely felt some anxiety. We’ve all been there, feeling unsure of what to do or say in a new cultural context. Whether it’s a shelter, business, campus or country, we all need tools to navigate conversations with people from all walks of life.

How I got to the shelter

Shortly after the tornado ravaged miles of north St. Louis City and County, a friend our ours, Pastor Marco van Raalton, emailed us a number of links to organizations where we could sign up and volunteer to help. Had it not been for his email, it may not have occurred to us to join the relief effort.

My husband, Cyril, and I signed up to help at a shelter run by Friendly Temple church on the north side of St. Louis City. Because of the tornado, the American Red Cross designated the shelter as one of its headquarters in the city, so donations were pouring in.

All those donations of food, clothes and supplies had to be received, organized and distributed. Cyril had volunteered the day before and was assigned to kitchen duty. While organizing and serving in the kitchen, he told me that any anxiety he’d felt in being new to relief work dissolved once he got down to work.

I heard his words but felt unsure as we headed downtown to volunteer the next day. I realized this was an opportunity to practice my cultural intelligence – compassion for people in their unique context. Since compassion starts within and radiates out, I employed one of the most vital tools in my new book, “The Communication Connection”: S.T.O.P.

S.T.O.P. is an acronym for…

• Slow down,
• Take three deep breaths (or however many you need to feel some calm),
• Observe your reaction and assumption and the reaction of the other person, then, if you’re safe,
• Proceed with curiosity and wonder.

As we were driving, I’d already started slowing down. So, I took a few long, deep breaths. I noticed a particular preconception that I’d inadvertently internalized: the stigma around people who are homeless. By noticing it and naming it, I could feel my fears easing a bit, my mind quieting down and my heart beginning to open up. I realized that, as is almost always the case, the anticipation was likely worse than reality and, as Cyril suggested, I got prepared to get down to work.

At the shelter

The shift leader, Miss Ruby, tasked Cyril with kitchen duty again. She assigned me to the room next door: toiletries. It was piled high with everything from toothpaste to diapers of all sizes and from bodywash to feminine products of all shapes. I spent hours that day unpacking shipping boxes, grouping and stacking goods and creating go-bags as people stopped in for supplies. Meanwhile, other volunteers kept bringing more and more boxes of donated supplies. The work was very physical.

It was also very mental and emotional. I had no idea how vital it would be to apply S.T.O.P. all day long. As I kept my body moving, I was intentional about observing my reactions and any assumptions that occurred which could keep me from connecting with a person. With my assumptions in check, there would be room in my head and heart for curiosity and wonder.

As I filled a reusable shopping bag for one gentleman, he was picky about the brand of soap and toothpaste. I thought to myself, “The nerve. Do people really have a right to be picky?” As soon as I caught that assumption, I realized that of course he has preferences and tastes. So do I. Allowing him to pick out his brand of choice was one small way to see his humanity. It was also a way to connect with him because, the moment he rejected the Irish Spring soap, he told me how his two daughters wouldn’t like the smell. I told him it’s too strong for me too. Then he told me how their home didn’t have either water or electricity, and they were making do with buckets and bottles of water.

Within a nanosecond of reining in that first assumption, my heart softened and we had a deeper, more genuine connection.

It’s with genuine connections like that that people feel safe to open up and reveal their needs. As I was filling a bag for one young woman, I knew now to check what toothpaste brand she wanted. She then asked if I had any floss. As I held up the floss to put in her bag, she nodded and then told me anything to keep her mouth clean was super important on the streets. When I revealed a big bottle of Listerine we had, her face lit up.

Another gentleman lit up when I revealed a box of socks I’d just discovered. He told me he hadn’t had a pair of socks in months. He asked if he could have two pairs, one to wear and the other to wash and dry. I gave him four pairs.

Miss Ruby was swamped managing volunteers and incoming donations. Within 15 minutes three new volunteers had come up even to me and asked how they could help. I looked to Miss Ruby for direction. Walking out of the hall, pointing at me she said, “She’ll tell you what to do. She’s the boss on this hall.”

I knew exactly what was needed. I’d seen the room next door piled almost to the ceiling with bags of clothes. I told the young men there that the bags needed to be gone through and the clothes sorted by size into the marked boxes along the wall in the hall. They got right to it.

As I thought about how quickly I’d been made a “boss,” I began observing how, from one moment to the next, I needed to be prepared to shift from knower to learner, back and forth as the situation demanded. Practicing S.T.O.P. – observing (and withholding) my assumptions and proceeding with curiosity and wonder – allowed me to make that shift fluidly back and forth throughout the day.

A few hours into my task, I knew the toiletries room well. I was fast becoming the knower in that domain and wondered how I was going to be able to “let go” after all that I’d invested. About then, Cyril walked in telling me he needed a break from pull-top cans and asked if he could help sort the diapers. Though I hesitated because, after all, it was “my” room, I agreed because there was another task I wanted to do. Bags and boxes of toys were piling up outside my room, and they needed a home. The toys weren’t going to be claimed by new owners if no one could see them.

I shifted to learner and found Miss Ruby. I asked permission to claim a corner of the lobby to lay out the toys. She and I walked the floor, found a good corner and cleared it of bags.

As I was on my knees unwrapping and displaying the stuffed animals, games and books, I became the learner again. Kids staying in the shelter gathered around to decide which animal would be theirs. I sat down on the ground, gave them eye contact and listened to the stories they had to tell me.

Once I got all the toys and books displayed, it occurred to me that some of the puzzle and coloring books and crayons could be used in the sleeping quarters. The Red Cross volunteers there might appreciate having something to offer adults and kids to do together by their cots. As I handed over the books and crayons, the volunteers in the room told me they’d been looking for something to offer the guests and appreciated my thoughtfulness. For a moment I was the knower.

Back in the toiletries room

When I got back to the toiletries room, the diapers were all lined up by size and there was a new lady in there working. Cyril told her that I was the one who had organized the room earlier in the day. She stopped working, gave me kudos and then asked permission to organize the incontinence briefs by size. In just one moment, she had ever so gracefully acknowledged all my effort and eased herself into taking over my job. Her natural ability to S.T.O.P. allowed me to “let go” of any possessiveness I felt over the room and freed me up to go play a board game with kids staying in the shelter.

Cyril was right

The anxiety did dissolve once I got down to work. But it wasn’t just the work that made the difference. It was getting to know the people. Creating genuine human connection is what erased any residual fears. Whether it’s a shelter, business, campus or country, you know a new-to-you cultural context can be intimidating. But with a big heart, growth mindset and a tool like S.T.O.P., you and your team don’t have to avoid challenging situations that can ultimately benefit you, them and the organization.

From a business standpoint, a welcoming environment that people want to part of, translates into significant savings, especially since the cost of replacing a lost employee can range anywhere from 30% to 400% of their annual salary. Considering that turnover leads to loss of valuable experience and increased costs in training, attracting and keeping talent remains one of the top three priorities for CEOs in 2025. That’s why I work with organizations and their leaders to be confident communicators so that they can attract and retain talent from all walks of life.

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Friendly Temple – Seeking Volunteers to staff their shelter. Men too are needed during the evening, shifts from 9 pm – 6 am. Sign up here. Serve at: 6356 Martin Luther King Drive, St. Louis, 63133.